Archive | December 2015

Ups and Downs

Yesterday we were thinking it was the end of Zachery’s life.  He lay still long enough I called my daughter to let her know the time was arriving to say goodbye. Michelle drove over, we cried, we talked, Michelle groomed Zachery and held him in her lap. Something inside of Zachery started to come alive again and he started to eat.

Today, he made himself get up and eat and go outside. He even put himself to bed with my husband, even though I am still up. I don’t know how much longer Zachery has left to live, but spending his last moments at home with family is  an act of LOVE!!!


Zachery rallied

Zachery rallied

Thinking it was the end of life.

Thinking it was the end of life.

What is Normal?

I was Watching the Dr. Phil interview of Nicholas Brendon; his 12/1/15 interview update, brought up feelings of being a child not knowing what I should feel, how I should act. I have felt this way most of my life. There was turmoil in my life for many years; about 20 months in my grade school years I was used by a teenage boy. I didn’t feel safe to tell anyone tell anyone for another 10 years!

During my Junior High, High School years, before I was able to drive; I would walk 1 mile home from school. A group of boys in my class would walk 30-50 yards before me or after me the first half of my walk; talking loudly, so I would hear.  I didn’t understand; I knew I was being teased; was it a good thing or a bad thing? I was being noticed! I wondered every day I walked home, if I got hit by a car crossing the highway, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my funeral?

I also wondered if my mom loved me. I remember standing in my bedroom having this thought; asking myself, “Does she love me?” I decided she must love me, she came and found us and fought to get us back. Did I feel it? NO. Did my head know it? yes.

If I had not found Jesus in 1981 I would have had a life of drugs and alcohol, much the same as Nicholas Brendon. Instead, I have found LOVE AND HEALING AND RELATIONSHIP!!!

The healing has taken time; I have not know how to act in social situation most of my life; but Today,

Lead by Jesus,

I am learning!



Zachery’s aging

IMG_5547 (1)Zachery has good days and bad days: days he is hungry and days he is not hungry at all, days he walks well and days he needs to be picked up and carried down the stairs. For my sanity, I have started to pick Zachery up and take him outside anytime he moves, or if I have the feeling the 4 month old puppy needs out. It is much easier to take all three dogs out every few hours; it leaves much less mess to clean up.

Sometimes when Zachery gets up, I find he really just wants me to give him attention and Love him and help his tired, atrophied muscles to relax; and sometimes he just wants to go to bed.

Something in Zachery’s personality has changed recently, he used to be one of the dogs that needed to go out when we got home; now there is a need to connect, to know I haven’t left him, a joy that I am home. Zachery has been the dog left home because Charlie needed so much attention, Charlie has anxiety attacks, Charlie goes crazy when he is left alone! Now Zachery is in need, He NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND CARED FOR, not just be the other dog anymore.

It is humbling to see the LOVE that Zachery has for me.  He is not a dog I have appreciated for the most of his 18 years. He is work to me! I don’t vacuum for dirt, I vacuum for Zachery’s hair! I walk him, I feed him, and I clean up after him; he sheds hair like no dog I have ever seen in my entire life.  I just recently realized the fine hair we have had to use a sticky roller to clean off our clothes, all these years, comes from him. He has long coarse hair, but his fine winter coat is what covers my clothes every time I pick him up.

Zachery has worked his Love on me and I now care for him as if he is my child.  I try to coax food into him every day; it hurts when he has no appetite, but it is wonderful when he is hungry and eats; tonight he ate almost a full can of dog food! It is hard to figure out what he will eat: he switches from wanting  dry dog food, to canned dog food that is all mush, to dog food that is meat and gravy, or rice, home made soup; he even tired of turkey from Thanksgiving!

I clean up after him and treat him with dignity because I know it is not easy for him getting older and he is not as able to control his body as well as he used to. I have been carrying him down the stairs for a little while; partly because it is faster, and partly because it has been hard for him to walk. Then all of a sudden he is walking and going down the stairs all on his own without help and he even has some speed to his walk.

This end of life walk is a bit crazy, God Willing the end will be peaceful.


My daughter asked me about nutmeg this thanksgiving 2015; I don’t know why she asked, maybe because I don’t put much nutmeg in my pumpkin pie and my daughter’s friend didn’t finish her pie. When I think of nutmeg, a picture comes up; everyone sipping eggnog by the fireplace, being told it is one of those things I am to eat and enjoy. I don’t think I enjoyed it.

We were living in a house with a huge open dining area, vaulted ceilings and a fireplace at the far end.  The 8 of us sat on picnic style table and chairs, probably made out of plywood and cement blocks.  We made origami on Christmas morning; I remember coming down the stairs seeing the container  holding different sheets of colored paper and some animals already made.

We lived in a farm house with a pond we could ice skate on or slip and slide, surrounded by corn stocks and hills to slide down the snow with sleds. We 6 kids slept on the floor in sleeping bags and on New Years Eve 1969 he reached into my sleeping bag and touched me as no 7 year old girl should be touched. I heard the church bells ringing midnight, my dad is downstairs; somehow I know he won’t help!

Eggnog brought up a memory in my daughters mind; a family Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house.  My sister offered her a glass of eggnog.  I said “NO! don’t drink it!” My sister said,  “she is in my house, let her try it!” My daughter listened to us argue and drank away!

PTSD, Anxiety, Memories remembered or just felt, pass down from one generation to the next until God intervenes!