A day with NO TV

I awoke with a migraine this morning; knowing it had something to do with the messages sent and received yesterday.  A friend was demanding too much from me and not giving enough back, I have read a book on boundaries and I felt I needed to put up a fence to protect myself. She lashed back saying maybe I needed counseling, if she had read what I wrote just the paragraph before it stated I have started going to counseling already. I didn’t want to hurt her but I needed to protect myself from outside pressure.

On the other-side of today I received a message from a woman, becoming a new close friend, who gives more than she receives; she blesses me with the words she writes, they lift me up instead of demand of me. I am ThankFull Full of Thanks for the Love she Poured out with Grace and fills me with Peace.

The rest of the day was spent reading the book for book-club, “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry” by Fredrick Backman; it is pulling memories out of me because my worst year was between 7 and 8 years old and they have issues with bonding between mother and daughter and grandmother. Reading this book feels like my brain on fast forward, never stopping to take a breath; like when I used to tell stories with many bunny trails and only I, knew how they all fit together. Somehow in all the mess a story is building.

A girl who gets picked on by most everybody because she is different; the teachers think she needs counseling because she must be doing something to cause the children to pick on her.  She is lonely and has no friends but her grandma; mom is afraid to get close because it would tap into her deficiency.

San Diego, CA, the place where my life turned. Detectives pretending to be out of gas and wanting to use our phone; they needed to make sure we were the children they were looking for. The detectives come the next day and ask my brother and I to get into the car and go for a ride; how scary does that sound? We just got in! The car stops in front of the daycare where my sister is staying and they cannot get my sister out so everything explodes; my mom, who I have not seen in 12 months, comes to hug me then, Edie, the woman who took her place, arrives to take me back! I AM the Tug in the War between the 2 Moms; they each have an arm and are pulling in opposite directions.

The cops are called, I end up in the state home for kids with trouble and my sister and brother are in some other place; what I remember is feeling alone, I am ripped away from everyone I know! It is not enough my dad decided to rip me away from my mom but now when my mom is trying to get me back I am ripped away from everyone! FEAR!!!!!

I find myself going up to some teenage boy and watching him play some game like pool, so do I go up to the teenage boy because I have lived at boys homes for half of my life? Are teenage boys in trouble, my comfort zone? I know I feared them for the rest of my life until just recently when God Set me Free from The Spirit of Fear!

MY OH MY, what comes out when it is put on paper?

 

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