I was Watching the Dr. Phil interview of Nicholas Brendon; his 12/1/15 interview update, brought up feelings of being a child not knowing what I should feel, how I should act. I have felt this way most of my life. There was turmoil in my life for many years; about 20 months in my grade school years I was used by a teenage boy. I didn’t feel safe to tell anyone tell anyone for another 10 years!

During my Junior High, High School years, before I was able to drive; I would walk 1 mile home from school. A group of boys in my class would walk 30-50 yards before me or after me the first half of my walk; talking loudly, so I would hear.  I didn’t understand; I knew I was being teased; was it a good thing or a bad thing? I was being noticed! I wondered every day I walked home, if I got hit by a car crossing the highway, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my funeral?

I also wondered if my mom loved me. I remember standing in my bedroom having this thought; asking myself, “Does she love me?” I decided she must love me, she came and found us and fought to get us back. Did I feel it? NO. Did my head know it? yes.

If I had not found Jesus in 1981 I would have had a life of drugs and alcohol, much the same as Nicholas Brendon. Instead, I have found LOVE AND HEALING AND RELATIONSHIP!!!

The healing has taken time; I have not know how to act in social situation most of my life; but Today,

Lead by Jesus,

I am learning!

#SavingNicholas

My daughter asked me about nutmeg this thanksgiving 2015; I don’t know why she asked, maybe because I don’t put much nutmeg in my pumpkin pie and my daughter’s friend didn’t finish her pie. When I think of nutmeg, a picture comes up; everyone sipping eggnog by the fireplace, being told it is one of those things I am to eat and enjoy. I don’t think I enjoyed it.

We were living in a house with a huge open dining area, vaulted ceilings and a fireplace at the far end.  The 8 of us sat on picnic style table and chairs, probably made out of plywood and cement blocks.  We made origami on Christmas morning; I remember coming down the stairs seeing the container  holding different sheets of colored paper and some animals already made.

We lived in a farm house with a pond we could ice skate on or slip and slide, surrounded by corn stocks and hills to slide down the snow with sleds. We 6 kids slept on the floor in sleeping bags and on New Years Eve 1969 he reached into my sleeping bag and touched me as no 7 year old girl should be touched. I heard the church bells ringing midnight, my dad is downstairs; somehow I know he won’t help!

Eggnog brought up a memory in my daughters mind; a family Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house.  My sister offered her a glass of eggnog.  I said “NO! don’t drink it!” My sister said,  “she is in my house, let her try it!” My daughter listened to us argue and drank away!

PTSD, Anxiety, Memories remembered or just felt, pass down from one generation to the next until God intervenes!

The act of growing up into a fully functioning adult is the Job of every child. The Job of the Parent is to facilitate each child to grow into the person God created them to be. Sometimes life interrupts this process and a child becomes stuck emotionally in a certain period in their lives, even as their mind and body grow into adulthood: I graduated high school, went to college, got my degree,  got married and raised a child.

Throughout my life I didn’t realize how much I had been limited. When I moved away to college my freshman year I knew I was not as mature as my classmates.  I thought I was only 6 years behind. I knew my scoliosis and my reaction to it stunted my growth. I wore a Milwaukee brace in 7th and 8th grade; it never needed to be adjusted. I watched tv and hid from society almost completely until I had surgery; before my freshman year of high school. My surgery corrected the  curvature of my spine about half way and to stopped it from getting worse; I had two 65% curves which became two 35% curves and a 10-12 inch stainless steel rod keeps my back flat. I wore a full body cast for 9 months and when it came off, that which was stunting  my body from growing broke free and my body started to physically mature.

I did not understand that I was emotionally stuck at 7  until I was 50 my new trusted friend, Marcia, saw my strange reaction to a simple request of putting a paper in the church office.  She told me later how she watched my demeanor change into that of a child.

Here are a couple of examples of how this played out in my life:  I wanted my daughter to know how to play the piano, my husband bought a piano for her to use, I didn’t know how to get a piano teacher so, she never learned.  When I talked to someone with the possibility of starting a friendship and I find out they are a teacher, somewhere deep inside is a conflict; I’m too young, too little, to have a friendship with a teacher.

After my friend, Marcia explained what she knew, she was taking me through , “Work of Heart Ministries”, I took steps into the scary unknown! I am still walking into the unknown! Growing as a person and taking chances.   It was a work that took me a few years to become an emotionally mature adult.

I am thankful to God and my husband who has had to change with me and friends who helped along the way. This  process began at the same time my daughter graduated from high school, I watched her become an adult and break away from us, her family of origin, into a person in her own right. I followed her example!

God is Good!

This is often a very subtle but sometimes very overt interaction that happens everyday in this world. I found myself doing it today. It may lead to taking offense because you don’t like how someone acts or reacts. Offense leads to bitterness and unforgiveness.

Love forgives what is wrong and covers! Love tries to understand and feel where the other person is coming from.

This week I lost sleep when I woke realizing my mom and sister want to blame me for my lack of ability to feel love as a child.

The Good that has come from this interaction opened my eyes to the fact that my granma’s house was my “safe place”! I have never used words of “love”, always “safe place”.

I now understand I started to feel Love when God entered my life at age 19. The people who I was around when God entered into my life were people from Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship. I have caused hurt to people because I made a post on Facebook about, “the first people to love me”. I should have been more perfectly correct and written, “the people from whom I first felt love”.

IT WAS NOT ME who kidnapped me away from my mom.  It was not me who added new people to the family. IT was not me who decided at age 7 to try sex with a teenage son. It was not me who brought me to a Satanic ritual.

IT WAS ME who protected myself by putting a wall up. I tried to open it to my mom once and she reacted badly. I closed myself back up and trusted no one. I have been learning to trust again BECAUSE  THE LOVE OF GOD HAS BEEN FILLING ME over the last 34 years.

Learning to Understand!

God is Good!