Why did you have to to die, for me to Understand?
My brother gave you a “Tell me your memories” book, I read and reread the few statements you wrote in it. The questions that clicked, “Did you ever Pretend to be sick as an excuse to stay home from school?” and “Did you ever get in trouble for saying a bad word?”
Your answer to both questions was, “NO!” It took a few days for me to understand what the meanings held inside the questions and why you answered some and left others blank.
There was a simpleness and honesty and purity in those questions and answers. You grew up in the place I count as my safe place, the place that saved me.
I believe the reason I am not More Up
set by you
r death is because you were not at the gas station where dad said you would be when we took off; we were not at home when you got home from the hair dresser that Dad dropped you off at, and told you to get all dolled up, making you think things were improving!
Mom, you hunted until you found us 3000 miles away, and you fought to get us back! We moved in with your parents, which grounded us, (my brother, sister and I); it was something we really needed: it was a Blessing from God. 
Your mother was your greatest influence and you lived your life on the farm in ALL IT’S PURITY! Then you moved away and went to college and met our father; he was the most exciting thing you had ever seen.
Years ago I asked you both, “Why did you get married?”
Mom you answered, “Rich brought me out for my first pizza!”
Rich answer, “Ella was this sexy blond that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of!”
The classic sheltered girl, and the wild, crazy, bad boy meet and get married. How could that ever go wrong?
You buried all these memories into a locked cabinet inside your mind; surpassed only by God as HE set up appointments for you and I to sit and talk, answering my questions:
Rich sent us an email after you died, telling us of how you wrote to him every day when he was in the army; it put everything in a new perspective, because neither of you had ever talked about LOVE!
Receiving the email from Rich, changed my thoughts about him, just as the memory book made a difference of how I think of you. Knowing he came from a family with an alcoholic father, and a mother who thought of him as her special gift, spoiling him because he was born on Mother’s Day; mix in the arguments only families with an alcoholic can have, and only God knows what that does to a child.
God used that email from Rich to open my eyes to the possibility that Rich was just a boy in a man’s body that didn’t grow up, knowing how “TO BE” in society; just as his daughter also missed out on learning how “TO BE” in society, rejected when not responding in the acceptable norms.
Reasoning this, “Blew up” my long established theory of my life; now I have a new Understanding that is probably very close to the Truth!
When Rich ask you to sleep with his best friend, it lead to arguments rather than the exciting experimentation he was seeking.
My honest innocent mom, met full of life and and experimenter dad; ready to try almost anything other than drugs and alcohol: isn’t that what the 60’s were all about? After 3 children were born, a lawnmower injury, and another job loss, tension grew in the family. Tension sent Rich running; he didn’t want his children being raised in the explosive household as he had been raised.
The problem: running away with the kids wasn’t the correct answer.
The second problem: our family never talked about any of this, we just picked up life and kept going.
I am sorry my garbage overwhelmed you; the innocent place you wanted to stay couldn’t absorb the socially unacceptable behavior and speech that oozed from me. I believe you now have full understanding and acceptance of me, as you are counted in the multitude cheering us on us from Heaven.