2019 Trepidation grows with each mile we drive West!
Responding to the call to care for Dad, we quickly put things together for the 2500 miles drive.
My sister convinces Dad of his need to move out of his home clearing the way for us to come.
Why the trepidation?
History:
Mom marries Dad just before I turn 10 and we move into his house. Dad needs to receive good hugs but I can not hug him without screaming.
Mom asks, “Has he done anything to you?”
“No.”
“Then you cannot scream when he hugs you.”
Mom doesn’t ask the next question, “Did anyone else touch you?”
I stay stiff as a log and scream inside every time he tries to hug me.
2013
Mom calls, “Would you help me after my back surgery?”
Mom ends up in rehab from nerve damage for my whole visit. I encouraged her to move every time I see her, but she resists. The nurses are cheering me on, but family is upset.
Dad doesn’t appreciate me, frustration builds, and he calls my sister,
“The wrong daughter is here!”
His voice amplifies throughout the whole house. I have no place to hide from the half hour discussion over how wrong I am.
***
October 2017
The underlying family conflict explodes.
Mom is in hospice care.
“She calls, Something has changed!”
We arrive at the parent’s house after dark after spending 60 hours driving. Exhaustion hits Bart so he goes straight to bed.
Our dogs need attention so I take them for a walk. While walking I ponder how to get to know Dad better. After the walk I sit and pray.
“God, How do I word this question so he won’t take offense?”
I write the question to make sure he understands,
“Dad, why are you the way you are?”
Handing him the note, I head to bed filled with Joy.
Waking with anticipation early before everyone else, I find my favorite place to pray while Joy is bubbling out of every pore. I know God is up to something Good. I cannot wait to see what He is about to do?
Returning to the bedroom to get dressed for the day I am excited. Opening the door I find Dad blocking my way out.
“How dare you!”
“What?”
“You are suppose to respect me!”
“What have I done? I always do what I’m suppose to!”
“How dare you!”
“Tell me what I need to do?”
I walk to the kitchen trying to defuse the situation.
Dad follows, repositioning himself, making himself bigger, he continues saying,
“How dare you! Your suppose to respect me!”
This is what he did when I was 10, isn’t it?
***
Our first Christmas in his house I wake, and plug in the Christmas lights.
Immediately Dad is there saying,
“How dare you! How dare you touch my tree!”
Having no idea what to do I stand there.
Dad makes himself bigger and more imposing.
“How Dare you!”
Mom arrives asking,
“What seems to be the problem here?”
“She is not old enough to plug in the lights!”
I am not longer 10 and I don’t want to back down, but I am uncomfortable that close. I take a step backwards.
Bart wakes to the yelling. Exiting the bedroom he carries luggage and says,
“We are leaving!”
Catching on I start grabbing my stuff and join him.
Bart says, “I am protecting my wife!”
Mom says, “This is not the way I want to die.”
Dad pulls the note I wrote out of the garbage and gives it to Mom.
Mom says, “Your father doesn’t know what the note means.”
Dad says, “You handed me the note and went to bed without allowing me to ask any question.”
We escape home and find solace with an old friend in the area. After 3 days we ask for permission to return home for our visit.
Mom says, “If you stop yelling!”
We return and everyone is a little uneasy doing our best to have a good family time.
A friend of Dad’s gives him information on ways to keep the peace and he seems nicer.
***
In January 2018
Home again for Mom’s funeral. God gives me the desire to Walk in LOVE with Dad so he can get the hug he always wanted.
Success comes as we say goodbye and give hugs.
Dad says,
“This is the hug I never got when you were little.”
Thank You Jesus!
We visit two more times checking on him, but Dad forgets the goodness.
January 2019,
Dad needs help after a third heart attack. We become the caregivers and movers!
The drive up fills us with trepidation, every mile becomes more stressful.
Arriving at the house, we hear Dad fighting with a sibling.
Praying I ask, “Help Jesus, I cannot do this.”
With a new day dawning, Peace fills the house. Rising before everyone I pray and worship with Michael W. Smith’s, “Surrounded,” hour long worship service. Imitating Michael, I finish prostrate on the floor in prayer.
“God, Please Fill me and make me who I need to be to walk in Love with Dad.
Fill Dad with Your Love and draw him to YOU!
Give me the Strength and Peace to care for Dad making food and start sorting through things that need packing.”
Then again at the end the day I finish with worship and prayer giving me the ability to let go of all my frustrations and to sleep in Peace.
God gives me the ability to walk in LOVE with Dad and to have a LOVE for him that only God can have.
God uses this Love which Covers wrongs and Blesses those who hurt you to Change Dad and Help him to Know Jesus as LORD and Savior.
