The death of my mother and the flu held me back; it is time to take life back.

Life is taking it’s turns for Good and Faith building; I start to get a hold, and it takes another turn, but I am seeing stories to write and will start tomorrow!

God Bless everyone who reads this.

I have learned that it is normal for people to see pictures in their head when they have a thought, or hear a word, for example, dog. Most people will see a dog in their mind. My mind sees nothing but a swirl of colors or shades of grey, if I try very hard, there is possibility of a dog appearing in my mind, but I see it as well with my eyes open as closed. IT is somewhere in my head, I don’t know what is normal.

Revelation, this is how people see words to know how to spell isn’t it? I have heard people spelling a word in their head; my mind needs to actually start to write them and try them out to see if it is the correct word or spelling of a word. It would be nice to see words in my mind without having to put them on the paper. I struggled with the word ‘sure‘ until  my daughter was 7 or 8 years old; she was reading to me and didn’t know how to pronounce the word, as I told her the pronunciation it helped me realize why I struggled to write it.  In the process of writing a note to someone I would start to write ‘sure’ as it sounds, shur and knowing it had an e on the end it would look like shure; I knew they both were wrong but couldn’t understand how it was suppose to be spelled so a different word had to be chosen.

About 10 years ago, God Blessed me, as my middle school daughter was trying to get away with using the internet in her room; I asked God to show me if she was lying, HE DID! He showed me the face my daughter has when she lies; she was wearing it at that moment! It was exciting to Know, God cared enough to help me; I didn’t want to punish my daughter unless, she really was lying.

My councilor told me I had shut mine mind off from seeing pictures in my mind; hiding the bad pictures I was seeing, sometime in my childhood. I have an idea when it was: The moment I knew my mom was not joining us as we moved, Dad said Mom would join us at the gas station. We were at the gas station and she was no where to be found. Sitting in the back of the station-wagon all the colors in my sight started to swirl as they do in the cartoons; my life changed at that moment, age 7.

I was given a good example to help me understand why: while I was running this week, someone in a vehicle called out and as my head turned to see who was calling and my eyes saw them hold a mask out of the window on a stick. That picture has been difficult to get out of my mind.

The book “Every Breath We Take” from Terry Wardle asks people to Relax, Breath calmly, and invite Holy Spirit to sanctify my imagination; I tried this and was Blessed with a memory of myself as a child about 6 years old, sitting on the floor criss cross applesauce and my arms are crossed in front of me, bursting out laughing! I am playing something with someone but it is such a Blessing to have a GOOD MEMORY from my childhood.

God is Going to Teach me how  to have my Memories return and see pictures in my mind again. Since He has been Healing my Mind and Body He has been showing my mind how to build pictures as I go to bed and clothes my eyes; it is like someone using a pencil and quickly sketching a scene and my mind watches as it becomes active. It is rather exciting!

I asked God as I fell asleep: Why do I need to have something on to listen to, to fall asleep?

God woke me after 3 1/2 hours of sleep and showed me a video in my mind of the night my father kidnapped me and my brother and sister from my mom. Dad dropped Mom off at the hairdresser telling her to get all done up nice.  Mom thought things might be getting better, no one came to pick her up: the worst day of her life was the beginning of the worst year of my life.

That first night away from my mom was spent at a friend of Dad’s who was not happy with what he was doing.  I was put to bed with the record of “Peter and the Wolf” and “The Nutcracker” which were suppose to cover the yelling that was going on in the other room.

Still today, I need something to think about and listen to keep the bad thoughts and dreams away; these days I put on a podcast from either Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, or Ken Copeland.  Many days I fall asleep and and sleep all night but then there are days that I will fall asleep hearing the voice talking and wake up when it quits.  This bothers my husband because he would like it quiet.

Bart is happy that it is podcast because they move from one to another; when I used to put on a CD or a cassette tape, I would flip it over or hit play again and again so it is the same thing played over and over again.  I am not listening to what they are saying unless I am just awake; I need to hear them talking to sleep. On the days I am awake until 3 or 5 AM, I am learning things I need to know about God.  I don’t want to listen to something that is not God filled because I don’t need to add to my bad thoughts or memories coming back in my dreams.

I have been healed enough to be able to fall asleep in the quiet if the power is out, but it is not my normal.

3/4/17

Follow God: don’t listen to the devil! Yesterday as I was running the devil told me to take a day off to rest; it sounds like something God would say, the problem was it was said as I was running and feeling weak.  God would have told me before, Satan tells you after and puts a twist into the Word of God to fool you.

I had rested Tuesday and Wednesday, I didn’t need to take a week off to rest; that would lead to getting weaker. Talking with Bart helped me to see I need to keep going; I went back out and ran a 12mm! Pretty good for a weak person.

Today I have run 6 cold miles out in the country; done a few loads of laundry; and made soup from chicken bones. God has given me strength and courage to keep going even when it hurts some.

Listening to God I ran 6 miles instead of 4 miles; finished 2 loads of clothes instead of leaving them in the washer to hopefully get before they mold; make soup instead of just putting meaty broth in the frig, we will have soup to eat tomorrow and all week.

If I had listened to the devil I would have done none of it.  God IS Good!!!

3/3/17

Tonight I saw the movie, “The Shack”.  I remember reading the book years ago and knowing it was true/real; as I watched the movie I knew that God had taken me through this process and I have come out the other side a more Wonderful Person: set free from sin and death to walk in His Righteousness and LOVE!

One of the women I was with was mentioning there was no repentance in the  movie; I pointed out that Repentance is turning from following yourself to Following God; God is drawing each of us with His LOVE!!!

Repent and Follow JESUS; LET HIM FILL YOU WITH HIS LOVE!!!

2/27/17

Sam woke me today because he wanted to play; I ended up getting up but my Right back muscle didn’t want to be used, I should come up with a name for these muscles like people name cars or such things. These muscles didn’t want to be used; I walked very straight with slow steps, not wanting to lean forward at all.

My thought is the digging up a small section of the asparagus used my back muscles so totally that it wiped me out for the week.  I made Bible Study on Tuesday morning but could not get myself together to go to my meeting in the evening; I didn’t even run.  Wednesday afternoon I could have gone to the local book club but I had no get up and go; I did run fairly well and hurried on to Jerry’s class but I was using all I had to sit through the class.

Today, as I ran, the second mile with Sam was a slug-fest; my whole back didn’t want to be used, I ran a few yard and walk some and run a bit more and walk some, it felt like mile 11 in a 10 mile run. When I dropped Sam off I sat for a few moments and drank some water before taking Charlie; that helped, I ran a slow normal.

 

 

Grace

It is early Saturday morning, Bart is getting tired and pulls off of highway 94 at the last rest stop in North Dakota! He needs to catch a few hours of sleep after driving the long hours across Minnesota and North Dakota, on their trip West.  Waking around 4 AM Bart decides to start driving again; Justine hears a strange noise, waking up from a deep sleep, wondering what is happening, and starts pondering what could make that noise? The RV drives well enough to the gas station so she thinks everything is good.

Arriving at  at gas station a few blocks away, Bart fills up with gas, and drives away from the pump when CRUNCH! SOMETHING BIG happens! It feels like a flat tire; hard to move. Justine gets out of the RV looking for a flat tire but doesn’t see one.  She suggests to Bart to try he move the RV so she to can see what the problem is; Bart pushes the gas pedal; the RV moves a foot or two but, the right front tire freezes up! Justine’s guess is the ball bearings in the wheel. Realizing he wasn’t going anywhere Bart backs up as much  as he can so he is no longer on the road to block traffic.

They are broken down in their new/used RV; sitting in the driveway of a gas station at exit 1, of the North Dakota-Montana border and it is snowing! Their front right wheel has locked up and will not move!

They are thankful it is 2016 and smart phones are able to connect to the world: Bart connects to the insurance company with his  app on his phone. The insurance agent he is talking to is not used to the distance between towns in this section of the country and it is causing a them bit of a trouble. She wants to have them backtrack to Bismark, but she isn’t sure the place that they would be arriving at would be open or they would be able to work on the vehicle at all. Bart tries for hours to get in contact with that company the insurance agent wants to send us to, without success.

The police arrive to see if they can help, asking Bart about the possibility of moving the RV out of the driveway of the gas station. Bart explains to him how he has called the insurance company and they have dispatched a tow truck because the RV is stuck; adding to the drama, Justine sees a tick walking up Bart’s neck; she grabs the tick, thinking she doesn’t have tape to stick to it, she throws it out into the snowy weather: Bart keeps on talking to the very nice policeman.

Finally about 8 am, the tow truck arrives with this very young looking attendant; Justine makes the comment, “He is probably older than he looks, and just because he is young doesn’t mean he doesn’t know his job.”

The tow truck driver asks to see if they can move the RV out of the driveway/street and Justine is very thankful when when Bart tries and the RV still won’t move! Yeah! It wasn’t their imagination! (Don’t you just hate when you have a problem with a vehicle and bring it in to get fixed and the problem won’t show it’s self?)

The police force has grown: 3 police vehicles are in the parking lot across the street, waiting; the tow truck driver crosses the street to talk to them about how to block the street.  Bart and Justine aren’t understanding why the police need to block the street, it has been very quiet.  All of a sudden a semi starts moving, and another, and another; THAT must be why they need the police cars!

The police block the street on 3 sides and  the tow truck backs up into the street, hooking up quickly to not block traffic any longer than necessary.  With the RV partially hooked up, he pulls them across the street into the parking lot adjacent to the rival gas station. The tow truck driver hooks us up securely and suggests that he could tow us to Sidney; the people he works with can fix the problem.

Bart and Justine are discussing if they should be towed to Bismark and head back home or continue on West. Justine suggests going home is like giving up. “Forward!”, they agree, West. Hopping into the cab, they are ready for a 100 mile trip in a tow truck: Charlie and Sam ride in the RV by themselves! Surprising, it was a very pleasant trip. The tow truck driver does mention a few times he is 21 and he graduated in 14!

Bart’s first thought arriving in town is to find a motel in walking distance that takes dogs. Then tow truck driver suggests they can stay in their RV over the weekend, on the property; he gets his coworkers to charge the RV battery that lost it’s charge to calm the alarm that is sounding!  Bart asks, and the crew agrees to allow them to stay hooked up to the dealership electricity, Yeah!!!!  What more could they ask for?

Bart and Justine and 2 dogs, find themselves early on a Saturday morning waiting for Monday; Sitting in their RV in a car dealership in Sidney, Montana.

Believing it is God is working for them, bringing Good out of a tough situation, Bart checks his Weather Channel App on his phone and sees the temperature here in Montana is 40 degrees with rain, a Blessing!   The temperatures in Bismark, North Dakota are below freezing! While Learning about the RV, Justine was told to watch for freezing temperatures because the pipes could freeze if they ended up in temperatures below freezing for an extended time. They are very thankful for 40 degrees!

The tow truck driver tells them about a park to bring their dogs to run and play. It turns out to be a beautiful big park with plenty of space to play Frisbee with the dogs.

Sam is a 7 month old puppy; he is a big dog, and no one knows what kind of dog he is. He just keeps getting bigger; every time he sleeps, he wakes up bigger! Charlie is about 5 years old and is a lab/Dotson mix and has been a part of the family for 3 years: Charlie needs attention. Charlie is why Bart wanted Sam.

What do you do with a big 7th month old puppy in a dealership parking lot? Bart heads out first to find the park with the puppies; he comes back praising the park. After a few hours, Justine allows Bart to take a nap and she takes the puppies and a 50 foot wire leash with a frisbee to play in the park.  She throws the frisbee and runs with the dogs as they chase after the it. They precede to both grab the frisbee and run together, tugging and pulling and growling and playing. Sam does try to bring the frisbee to Justine to have her throw it again, Charlie doesn’t often want to give it up.

As night falls everyone in the RV gets ready to sleep and they are taken by surprise with the amount of cars driving through car lot all night long; they pray for protection and sleep peacefully all night.

Being new at RVing Bart and Justine wake on Sunday and realize the water doesn’t last long and the sewer fills up fast; it is time for stretching water as far as it will go! Justine makes breakfast and learns how to wash dishes with about a cup of water;  a little while later Justine washes her hair in the sink and is successful in only using a cup of water Yeah!!!  Success!!

The couple spends their time taking the dogs for runs, eating, and talking! With nothing to distract them like tv or radio.  Once the dogs sleep, Bart and Justine relax and talk like they haven’t talked since they were dating 32 years ago. It reminds Justine a weekend in a small motel, in northern Minnesota: it is very Good! They enjoy their time together, leaving all the worries for God’s to take care of!  Bart and Justine find Joy in the moment, trusting God that all will turn out well. This is Heaven on Earth!

Later, Justine takes the dogs for a run in the park; Charlie runs behind her, the leash catches her right leg, the dogs take off after the frisbee, and Justine’s feet go up into the air: Boom, her head and right shoulder hit the ground!

Justine lays on the ground for a few minutes in shock not even caring where the dogs are; gathering herself she decides nothing is broken and choices to confess out loud and believe, “I am healed in the Blood of Jesus!” Justine gets up and raises her hands in Praise confessing again, “I am healed in the Blood of Jesus!” Justine decides she is not going to let this stop her from playing with the dogs so the 3 of them run and play for 30-40 more minutes. On the way home Charlie decides to stop and leave his offering, Justine has the hardest time controlling both dogs and cleaning up after Charlie; pain is growing and she wants to call Bart to come help, but she pushes through.

Arriving at the RV she gives the dogs to Bart, struggles to climb into the RV and tells Bart about the fall: they discuss what the options are. Justine decides it is smart to let her arm and shoulder rest, thinking if she goes to a doctor it would be put in a sling.  Justine keeps confessing, “I am healed in the Blood of Jesus” all day long and by the evening she is able to use her arm. She knows with a good nights sleep she will be good as new.

Bart takes over dog duty for the rest of the day; He also goes looking for water because the water tank is very low. Sam need to go for a walk as evening comes; Bart takes both dogs at 8pm and 10 pm. They are hoping for a good night’s sleep and head to bed.  Sam decides he needs to use the facilities around midnight so Justine gets up, grabs a coat, flashlight, bags to clean up and shoes because clean grass is 2 blocks away and it is dark. Sam and Justine dodge puddles made by the rain, it is messy, Sam has diarrhea! Justine wants to clean up after the dogs to be good citizens. Sam asks out again at 2 and 4; Charlie joins the party at 5 am! Bart takes over at 7am.

Justine’s plan is getting up and ready to make food and get dressed but being awake every 2 hours has put a dent into her plans; she tries to get every ounce of sleep she can squeeze out. Justine jumps out of bed as she hears men arriving to take care of the RV!  She throws clothes on and grabs the dogs for a morning of the unknown.

Two dogs and two people enter the sales room trying to stay calm and not make noise.  Bart takes one dog at a time out for walks trying to keep everyone quiet in this place of business.  Sam loves to speak: he has had the desire to talk since he was born.

Very Thankful, the RV is finished by noon; Bart and Justine give their Thanks to the people who helped them  and they drive off realizing it was a wonderful weekend in Sidney Montana! They continue their trip West! If you ever happen to be brake down in Eastern Montana, Sidney is the nicest place to spend a weekend as plans become interrupted! God Bless the people in Sidney, Montana.

I am still a beginner at this Blog thing;  God is leading me, mistakes will be made: Forgive me.

I was not expecting to have to decide if a comment was real or spam; many comments were left after my “January 2016” post: how does one tell if it is meant for me? I was about to delete all the posts thinking they were for someone else until I ran into a few that mentioned my blog’s name; WOW, it was for me, thank you.

I decided many posts were for someone selling something and talked about a messed up site, I am not selling anything. Some posts did not make sense, some offered help, and some commented that I had a very nice blog; good information and well written.  One post asked how to stay in contact: I was a bit taken-aback. I kept some and deleted some; I believe I deleted some good posts that said I wrote well: who am I that someone could appreciate my writing?

It is a learning curve, if you are the person who asked how to stay in contact with me;  an email account was set up with this blog, I just have to find it, I will post it.

Bart looked at my blog today for the first time; he said he liked it, and thought it looked well done: it made me realize some of the deleted posts might have been talking about my blog. Forgive me for not  believing you. God Bless!

Winter is coming and going this year: we have sticky snow! I love taking pictures of Nature up close!

 

 

The Important Stuff!

We had a wonderful Christmas together: my husband, my daughter, my self, Zachery, Charlie, Sam, Grace, and Fluffy!

The house didn't get clean, the Christmas cards were not sent,
Christmas dinner was eaten on the couch 
watching a movie instead of on the table with the good dishes; 
is any of that important? Not really. 
Time together is!

We did put up the lights outside especially the Cross my husband made for me years ago and found a wonderful Fraser fir, live tree at The Home Depot, which is still green and fresh 4 days after Christmas;

it was decorated and we even put a Christmas village under the tree.Discussion and Revelation:

After dinner, my daughter and I were talking about, how my volunteering at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission during Christmas vacation, for only 10 hours a week wore me out. She gave me a glimpse of the life she remembered as a teen coming home from school and find me sitting on the couch in-front of the TV; she remembers 3 days of nothing, absolutely nothing being done, and then energy would be found to spend 1 day doing housework, preparing meals or going shopping.

When she talked about not being able to do anything; my body laid down often, because it takes back muscles to sit up; scoliosis and the surgery cut the nerves and atrophied the muscles.  I Didn’t understand why my body was so weak; I exercised and lifted weights! It was amazing how my body had one good day a month full of energy to get everything done that needed to get done; of course everything didn’t get done.

Today, God is healing my body so instead of spending 3 days on the couch and one day up and moving;  NOW my body has 5 -6 days of working with one or two days of rest! God is so Good!

 

 

Zachery has good days and bad days: days he is hungry and days he is not hungry at all, days he walks well and days he needs to be picked up and carried down the stairs. For my sanity, I have started to pick Zachery up and take him outside anytime he moves, or if I have the feeling the 4 month old puppy needs out. It is much easier to take all three dogs out every few hours; it leaves much less mess to clean up.

Sometimes when Zachery gets up, I find he really just wants me to give him attention and Love him and help his tired, atrophied muscles to relax; and sometimes he just wants to go to bed.

Something in Zachery’s personality has changed recently, he used to be one of the dogs that needed to go out when we got home; now there is a need to connect, to know I haven’t left him, a joy that I am home. Zachery has been the dog left home because Charlie needed so much attention, Charlie has anxiety attacks, Charlie goes crazy when he is left alone! Now Zachery is in need, He NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND CARED FOR, not just be the other dog anymore.

It is humbling to see the LOVE that Zachery has for me.  He is not a dog I have appreciated for the most of his 18 years. He is work to me! I don’t vacuum for dirt, I vacuum for Zachery’s hair! I walk him, I feed him, and I clean up after him; he sheds hair like no dog I have ever seen in my entire life.  I just recently realized the fine hair we have had to use a sticky roller to clean off our clothes, all these years, comes from him. He has long coarse hair, but his fine winter coat is what covers my clothes every time I pick him up.

Zachery has worked his Love on me and I now care for him as if he is my child.  I try to coax food into him every day; it hurts when he has no appetite, but it is wonderful when he is hungry and eats; tonight he ate almost a full can of dog food! It is hard to figure out what he will eat: he switches from wanting  dry dog food, to canned dog food that is all mush, to dog food that is meat and gravy, or rice, home made soup; he even tired of turkey from Thanksgiving!

I clean up after him and treat him with dignity because I know it is not easy for him getting older and he is not as able to control his body as well as he used to. I have been carrying him down the stairs for a little while; partly because it is faster, and partly because it has been hard for him to walk. Then all of a sudden he is walking and going down the stairs all on his own without help and he even has some speed to his walk.

This end of life walk is a bit crazy, God Willing the end will be peaceful.