At the end of my 9th year of life my mom married her second husband who eventually adopted us: he wanted to hug me and have me reciprocate. What he received was a loud scream!
Mom asked, “Has he done anything?”
I had to respond, “no.”
Mom responded, “You are not aloud to scream when he hugs you.”
HE hadn’t done anything inappropriate but I didn’t want to be hugged: the problem was she didn’t ask the next question!
One day that first summer, I approached mom after dad returned to work: I said, “Mom, now that you are married and don’t have to work anymore, you can spend time with me.” She stood there with a look of shock on her face: the next thing I knew she had gotten a job selling Tupperware.
While my mom was visiting us in 2012 she confessed to me the thought that ran through her head at that moment was,
“What have I done!?” (her first husband our dad had kidnapped us)
Sadly, I walk away, realizing I could not trust her! ( I needed her )
Our disconnect showed up a day in 7th grade; my mom was going to pick me up after school, by the light pole, because she was going to be out and about that day. Waiting after school for my mom, feeling insecure, and thinking people were watching me; I walked home. I truly thought I could get home faster than it would take for her to arrive.
Mom told me that she was frantic looking for me; not finding me, she even went into the school, to my locker, asking kids about me, and didn’t find me! I understand now that she was having fear of kidnapping: a flashback to the day she arrived home and everyone was gone!
Soon after that we moved to a new town during my first semester of 7th grade; within weeks of moving we found I had scoliosis: I returned from Christmas brake with a Milwaukee Brace. My mom drove me 90 miles every 2 months to have my spine checked; unbeknownst to my mom, I played sex games with my barbies on the floor of car as she tried to talk to me: I ignored her.
One spring or summer day goofing off with my brother, my mom walked into the garage and asked, “Would you like to talk to a counselor?” not responding, I stood there shocked and unsure; thinking, “What did she want me to do or say?” (This is years before I told her I about my sexual abuse.)
She waited for a moment and said, “If you won’t talk to me, you won’t talk to a counselor!” and she walked out.
How many people live this disconnect everyday of their lives? People injured reacting to their injures and causing more injury to the people they love the most. WHAT IS THE ANSWER? JESUS AND THE BIBLE!!!! LISTEN AND OBEY!!!
This is the first email I wrote about being set free; I was given the word “SHAME”to claim! I see miss spellings and other things that could be corrected but it is the email I sent 5 years ago. Much has changed since then. I will add updates later.
hi everyone. i don’t know if I am the only one who is realizing this but it has been 40 years since we left California and found a safe haven at the farm. I started out the week doing a Bible study in Isaiah. The question asked about 40:23 “those who hope in me will not be disappointed”. My Bible says, “will not be put to shame”. When I read this, the pictures I have had in my mind for the last 40 years came to mind and stayed. God didn’t give me this shame but He showed me this is what I have been feeling for the last 40 years. I am not good enough.
I had words to put to the picture of Keith taking me to a boys bathroom in the park and asking me to take off all my clothes and stand there so he could look at me one last time. The picture in my head is of me standing there fearing someone was going to walk in and see me standing there naked. I do realize this is not what I saw but it is a better picture than the one I actually saw of a teen boy looking at me probably doing something.
I guess what is good is I was given a word to go with the picture. This is my shame! I am believing this is going to leave me now that I have put words to it and cried over it. I also have the before and after pictures from my surgery as my shame also. I stood there in underware pushed down as far as possible as they took pictures of my naked body from all 4 sides.
So I thought it was leaving but other thoughts have surfaced like for the first time I started to wonder how I knew how long we were gone. I know we left in the fall when I was 7. I know we were in Minnesota on a corn farm with a lake for Christmas and New Years. We were all sick sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor with diarrhea. I also remember listening for the chime of the church bells calling for the new year.
I don’t remember having a birthday. I remember living on a dead end street and eating pent butter and jelly sandwiches out of a Uhal until the police came and made us leave. I do remember trick or treating with Keith at the 7 /11. I do know when we arrived in Thief River Falls it was March and almost Easter. So I guess we had a birthday go by.
I think my life has settled down enough to take care of the hurts of my past. It is amazing how anniversaries have meaning. I remember the first church service in at the farm when everyone mobbed my mom after the service ended and we kids were left wondering what we were suppose to do. my guess is this year Easter will have more meaning. Healing is coming. that little girl is still hurt. Healing comes in layers. I think talking with the people who went through this with me will help. The little bit we did when we were together last year was hard but needed.
We had a wonderful Christmas together: my husband, my daughter, my self, Zachery, Charlie, Sam, Grace, and Fluffy!
The house didn't get clean, the Christmas cards were not sent,
Christmas dinner was eaten on the couch
watching a movie instead of on the table with the good dishes;
is any of that important? Not really.
Time together is!
We did put up the lights outside especially the Cross my husband made for me years ago and found a wonderful Fraser fir, live tree at The Home Depot, which is still green and fresh 4 days after Christmas;
it wasdecorated and we even put a Christmas village under the tree.Discussion and Revelation:
After dinner, my daughter and I were talking about, how my volunteering at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission during Christmas vacation, for only 10 hours a week wore me out. She gave me a glimpse of the life she remembered as a teen coming home from school and find me sitting on the couch in-front of the TV; she remembers 3 daysof nothing, absolutely nothing being done, and then energy would be found to spend 1 day doing housework, preparing meals or going shopping.
When she talked about not being able to do anything; my body laid down often, because it takes back muscles to sit up; scoliosis and the surgery cut the nerves and atrophied the muscles. I Didn’t understand why my body was so weak; I exercised and lifted weights! It was amazing how my body had one good day a month full of energy to get everything done that needed to get done; of course everything didn’t get done.
Today, God is healing my body so instead of spending 3 days on the couch and one day up and moving; NOW my body has 5 -6 days of working with one or two days of rest! God is so Good!