2019 Trepidation grows with each mile we drive West!

Responding to the call to care for Dad, we quickly put things together for the 2500 miles drive.
My sister convinces Dad of his need to move out of his home clearing the way for us to come.
Why the trepidation?

History:

Mom marries Dad just before I turn 10 and we move into his house. Dad needs to receive good hugs but I can not hug him without screaming.

Mom asks, “Has he done anything to you?”
“No.”
“Then you cannot scream when he hugs you.”

Mom doesn’t ask the next question, “Did anyone else touch you?”

I stay stiff as a log and scream inside every time he tries to hug me.

2013

Mom calls, “Would you help me after my back surgery?”

Mom ends up in rehab from nerve damage for my whole visit. I encouraged her to move every time I see her, but she resists. The nurses are cheering me on, but family is upset.

Dad doesn’t appreciate me, frustration builds, and he calls my sister,

“The wrong daughter is here!”

His voice amplifies throughout the whole house. I have no place to hide from the half hour discussion over how wrong I am.

***

October 2017

The underlying family conflict explodes.

Mom is in hospice care.

“She calls, Something has changed!”

We arrive at the parent’s house after dark after spending 60 hours driving. Exhaustion hits Bart so he goes straight to bed.

Our dogs need attention so I take them for a walk. While walking I ponder how to get to know Dad better. After the walk I sit and pray.

“God, How do I word this question so he won’t take offense?”

I write the question to make sure he understands,

“Dad, why are you the way you are?”

Handing him the note, I head to bed filled with Joy.

Waking with anticipation early before everyone else, I find my favorite place to pray while Joy is bubbling out of every pore. I know God is up to something Good. I cannot wait to see what He is about to do?

Returning to the bedroom to get dressed for the day I am excited. Opening the door I find Dad blocking my way out.

“How dare you!”
“What?”
“You are suppose to respect me!”
“What have I done? I always do what I’m suppose to!”
“How dare you!”
“Tell me what I need to do?”

I walk to the kitchen trying to defuse the situation.

Dad follows, repositioning himself, making himself bigger, he continues saying,

“How dare you! Your suppose to respect me!”

This is what he did when I was 10, isn’t it?

***

Our first Christmas in his house I wake, and plug in the Christmas lights.

Immediately Dad is there saying,

“How dare you! How dare you touch my tree!”

Having no idea what to do I stand there.

Dad makes himself bigger and more imposing.

“How Dare you!”

Mom arrives asking,

“What seems to be the problem here?”

“She is not old enough to plug in the lights!”

I am not longer 10 and I don’t want to back down, but I am uncomfortable that close. I take a step backwards.

Bart wakes to the yelling. Exiting the bedroom he carries luggage and says,
“We are leaving!”

Catching on I start grabbing my stuff and join him.

Bart says, “I am protecting my wife!”
Mom says, “This is not the way I want to die.”

Dad pulls the note I wrote out of the garbage and gives it to Mom.

Mom says, “Your father doesn’t know what the note means.”
Dad says, “You handed me the note and went to bed without allowing me to ask any question.”

We escape home and find solace with an old friend in the area. After 3 days we ask for permission to return home for our visit.

Mom says, “If you stop yelling!”

We return and everyone is a little uneasy doing our best to have a good family time.
A friend of Dad’s gives him information on ways to keep the peace and he seems nicer.
***
In January 2018

Home again for Mom’s funeral. God gives me the desire to Walk in LOVE with Dad so he can get the hug he always wanted.
Success comes as we say goodbye and give hugs.
Dad says,

“This is the hug I never got when you were little.”

Thank You Jesus!

We visit two more times checking on him, but Dad forgets the goodness.

January 2019,

Dad needs help after a third heart attack. We become the caregivers and movers!
The drive up fills us with trepidation, every mile becomes more stressful.
Arriving at the house, we hear Dad fighting with a sibling.

Praying I ask, “Help Jesus, I cannot do this.”

With a new day dawning, Peace fills the house. Rising before everyone I pray and worship with Michael W. Smith’s, “Surrounded,” hour long worship service. Imitating Michael, I finish prostrate on the floor in prayer.

“God, Please Fill me and make me who I need to be to walk in Love with Dad.
Fill Dad with Your Love and draw him to YOU!
Give me the Strength and Peace to care for Dad making food and start sorting through things that need packing.”

Then again at the end the day I finish with worship and prayer giving me the ability to let go of all my frustrations and to sleep in Peace.

God gives me the ability to walk in LOVE with Dad and to have a LOVE for him that only God can have.

God uses this Love which Covers wrongs and Blesses those who hurt you to Change Dad and Help him to Know Jesus as LORD and Savior.

I have come to a difficult place in life where I need to ask for help.

The bill for this platform is coming due in the next month and I need help paying. Hopefully, I am able to continue the privilege of writing here.

In the last nine years, I have grown to enjoy writing.

Thank you to all who come to read my stories.

This blog began after two people suggested it.

They said, “Writing a blog will improve your writing and provide a place to share your stories.”

Stepping out in faith, I signed up for a blog never having looked at one. Before this Facebook and a Hebrew class were the only reasons to open a computer. Things have changed.

Anyone who wants to help contribute to keeping “Just full of grace,” there is a donate button, connected to a PayPal account. Hopefully I will find someone who can put in on this page.

God Bless each of you who have come to read.

Thank You if you choose to help. Thank You again, Amen!

God is Good.

Change starts with a class teaching me how to use AI to improve my writing.

When I put down my fear and step out and try a new thing, it will open me to expanding my imagination and vocabulary.

After spending so many years closing myself down in self-protection, it takes work and determination to open up to new possibilities.

The second change becomes final when our neighbor finishes moving out this morning, and the new owners start moving in this afternoon.

When I first see the for sale sign it feels like I am punched in the gut! My first thought is to fall apart and mourn my loss, but then I have a wonderful idea and change it into a But God moment.

I decide to ask God to Bring us a Better Blessing! We need good friends for both of us so Double our Blessing for our former shame as it says in Isaiah 61:7a!

When everything looks like it is falling apart, it is the perfect time for God to step in and Bless us as we seek His Face.

GOD IS GOOD!

Have you ever had a But God, moment?

Tell me about it.

Trauma in childhood, opens my mind to unwanted thoughts.

I don’t know I have a choice of thoughts until I am in my twenties.

In the second year of our marriage I wake nightly at 3:00 A.M., with tormenting thoughts. The only way I return to sleep is to read a God stories.

Soon after this starts, I hear someone on the radio talk about the authority of the believer.

They say, “If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you are a child of God and He has given you authority in Jesus’ name over Satan!”

The next night I wake, I speak out-loud, “Devil you have no place here, I am a child of God! Go! Flee!”

The tormenting thoughts leave immediately but come back. I repeat for two more nights and he leaves for good.

This Wisdom works well for 40 years, but today I need God to step up and help!

Lately, I have been confessing  Philippians 4:4-8 out loud as a prayer asking God for help to keep my mind thinking what is good, true, honorable, right, pure, lovely excellent, and worthy of Praise.

Last week, while reading scripture out loud satanic pictures drop into my mind. I tell Satan to take his pictures and leave but they don’t.

I don’t understand how bad thoughts are filling my mind as I read my Bible but here they are.

Since I have been praying Philippians I thought, ask God!

“God could you fill my mind with what is Good, True, Pure, and Honorable.”

He Did!

Has anyone else needed help with unwanted thoughts?

I found the truth about what takes away my pain.

It has not been my breakfast, but the vitamin Magnesium.

Today I experimented by taking Magnesium as soon as I woke up. The pain didn’t completely leave until I took pain medicine but, then the pain was gone.

The hours curled up in a ball waiting for pain to leave, didn’t happen.

Thirty years ago, I learned Physical Therapy and pain medicine would take enough pain away for me to move. One or the other didn’t work, my body needed both to take away enough pain to function.

Bonus, exercise made my dropsy foot disappear.

It is good to find something to help the sting of my new nerves so I am able to continue getting stronger.

This week, I have run 5 miles, twice ! It has been years since I have run more than 2 miles at a time. My strength is returning and so is speed. I have also noticed new muscles!

Does anyone else have other ways to get rid of pain in muscles?

GOD IS SO GOOD!

An overwhelming feeling of dread fills my soul.

Hiding from fear in the TV, I look for help by opening my prayer journal and writing,

“Help Jesus, Help!”

Something in my soul shifts!

Still feeling in need of some courage I ask,

 “Bart, can you help?

He helps me bring all the equipment out and we talk about the work that needs to get done. Once I am settled he leaves me to enjoy the work and I start digging.

Working for a few hours I feel accomplished.  The thought of running enters my mind. Putting my tools away, I change shoes, grab a dog, and head to the cemetery.

Missing the setting sun I watch the clouds change colors and am pleased with my run after digging.

Bart asks, “How did your day turn out?”

“It turned out to be a wonderful day! It all changed when I wrote in my journal, ‘Help Jesus, Help!’“

Not much has changed but my attitude. There is still too much work but I now believe I am able to accomplish it all!

It is amazing how a shift in thinking and a little prayer can change the outcome of a day.

GOD IS SO VERY GOOD!

It has been a Joy in my life to take pictures and post them for my friends on Facebook.

Facebook has changed and I no longer have the ability to post pictures, so I thought it might be good to show off here.

I will say that catching the sunset has been something that kept my life in order as we traveled the 5000 mile trip a few times a year for 5 years.

IT doesn’t matter where you are in this world the sun always rises and sets.

So I hope you enjoy! God Bless!