Author: Justine

Running versus Anxiety

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Sixth grade is when the seed to run is planted. A cross country race in the fall is my first exposure. We are bused to a park near the river, line up and wait. Directions to run are given and we hear Mr. Obie yell, “On your mark, get set, RUN!”

As we take off, the ground rises and falls before us. The whole 6th grade class runs through the trees and over downed branches; the crowd thins out and I notice the cute new boy, Scott. He trips and falls! “Scott, are you OK?”

He responds, “No big deal, Look at this!” He picks up his hand and a stick has pierced it through!

I scream in fear,  other kids yell out, “HELP, MR. OBIE, HELP, WE NEED YOU!!!”

Scott is whisked off to the hospital and the rest of us are told to kept running!

FROM ACCOMPLISHMENT TO REGRET

Spring arrives with Track and Field and a chance to join the relay race. Mr. Obie lined up all the 6th grade girls in a grassy field and told us to RUN, as fast as we can! Four girls and one alternate are chosen to run in the girls relay race for the city wide competition: I am among the 4 fastest!

The day of the race arrives, beautiful and sunny. It is 65 degrees with patchy clouds, and a light Spring breeze, as we walk into the University of North Dakota college outdoor stadium. Mr. Obie says, “Choose a second track and field event and go participate in it.”

Scanning the field and it’s different activities, I respond, “I will try the high jump. How hard could that be?”

Walking down to the field, I join the the back of the line and watch the other participants, hoping to discover what is expected. We are a bunch of 6th grade boys and girls with no instruction, attempt to jump over a bar 4 maybe 5 feet in the air; most of us fail by running into the bar, or knock it to the ground. Just as I witness the first person make it over the bar, a small cloud overhead releases its content and a light rain falls on us.

Finally it is my turn, I run as fast as I can and jump! I didn’t even make it up to the bar, how embarrassing!

Frustrated and not sure where to go, I search the stands and find the group of teachers from Windship grade school. I head towards them and sit down; a light breeze flows through the stadium, it chills my damp body. I start to shiver. Teachers notice me and offer, “Would you like to come sit by us, we can help you warm up.”

I move closer and a teacher puts her arm around me to warm my shivering body.  Another teacher offers, “My pick-up camper it is in the parking lot, I will get a blanket from it.”

My friend Tina arrives, “Mr. Obie sent me to collect you for the relay race!”

Shivering violently, I respond through chattering teeth, “I am too cold to run!”

The teachers discuss my problem, wondering what is wrong. Two or three times someone arrives, trying to get me to join them to run the race; I am paralyzed in fear, not understanding, but also not able to leave the arms of these compassionate women.

The race goes on without me, and my team wins.

Heading home, I think “Mom is in the hospital; I need go to a neighbor’s house after the race.”  As I knock on the door, fear rises, as spring weather threatens. The door opens and I am safe for a while.

Later at home I am overwhelmed and scared, peaking around the corner I see my step-dad arrive from the hospital, “Isn’t Mom coming home, today?”

Dejected, Dad responds, “Not tonight!”

FEAR AND ANXIETY RISE!

Back at school it is awards day, Mr. Obie gives out all the awards and ends up with one extra ribbon for 3rd place.

I ask, “Mr. Obie, can I have the left over ribbon to remember, I could have won!”

Mr. Obie looks at me strangely, and hands it to me.

When Mom arrives home, I ask, “Mom, can I have your hospital bracelet? I want to put it in my scrap book.”  I add 3 things to my 6th grade scrap book, Mom’s hospital bracelet and phone number with the third place ribbon, to remember.

 REGRET

Changes come in Junior High: just before thanksgiving, we move to a smaller town an hour away; not only do I change schools in the middle of 7th grade I return from Christmas break with Scoliosis and a Milwaukee Brace. It extends from my chin to my pelvis, making everything quite difficult and painful: running disappears from my life. I keep to myself alone and afraid.

In 8th grade I make a friend, she shares my locker. When they announce the beginning of girls basketball I ask, “Jennifer, do you think we should join Basketball? It could be fun.”

Jennifer responds, “I don’t know? It might be fun. It is meeting in the math room.”

We start to walk to the first meeting.

About to open the door, Jennifer offers, “Do we want our math teacher teaching us Basketball?”

We Both agree, “NO!” and walk away.

SUCCESS

The Summer before ninth grade, (still in Junior High but also a freshmen in High School)  I endure a spinal fusion and wear a full body cast for 9 months. It comes off in time for me to choose gymnastics for my elective gym class.  I am very flexible and manage to do well even if I have a 12 inch rod holding my spine in place. During my gymnastic test I use my elbows to compensate for my solid spine and succeed in a forward roll, how is that for creative!

 MORE SUCCESS

During my Junior year in college, a friend takes up running to get in shape; it spurs my desire to run again!

I start out in the local neighborhood, probably running only 1/2 a mile at a time.  During summer break I visit my grandma on her farm; foolishly, I decide to run around her block. A country block in Minnesota is a square mile, I take off running and my body quits about half way around the block. I think about taking a shortcut through the fields but am too scared. Worn out, I push myself the rest of the way home.

DELAY

A Major accident during my senior year of college, adds Pain and Weakness; my body no longer has an ability to run. I graduate college and get married, and move on with life. Ten years later, we adopted our daughter; holding her continuously during the first 6 months strengthens my muscles. Meeting my parents at a park I have the desire to run again. I pick up my legs and run for the first time in many years, it is only a parking lot but I am able!

The strive to run, continues for the next 20 years; I often try running as I walk with my family, seldom able to run more than a block at a time and then only on Good Days. In my 40’s, I start to understand my body and it’s weaknesses. A doctor explained that scoliosis surgery caused my weakness; understanding comes as I realize it wasn’t my accident causing me weakness.

My new doctor is good, she listens to my lungs and heart, and tells me I needed to do core exercises: I exercised almost EVERY DAY! One year, I have the desire to ask, “Can atrophied muscles could get stronger?”

Her answer, “they are able to get stronger if they are connected to nerves.”

HEALING LEADS TO MORE SUCCESS

Learning: I exercise to keep the strength that I have, but I am not able to grow muscle. The muscles that I have are weakening with age. My back muscles are so weak and atrophied from the surgery 40 years earlier that I have trouble lifting my right arm above my head; and my limping leg changes from my left side, (my accident) to limping on my right side( my scoliosis surgery). I finally understand why.

With the information that my muscles needed to be connected to my spine by nerves, I asked God to connect them.  A few months later, I get up to check on dinner and  I notice something different  I tell my husband, “I Feel my back for the first time since 76!”

I AM NOW building strength in my back muscles, able to run a mile, often! Soon I am able to connect days together and run 5 days a week! During this same time I Receive 2 instant miracles that take away pain from my accident. I am set free from the 35 years of constant pain: running is much easier!

Today, I am getting stronger every day and running longer distances every year.  Twice I have run a 5k race and my daily run has increased to somewhere around 3-5 miles.  Someday soon I will find a 10k to run and then a 1/2 marathon.

God is Good!

MOM

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Why did you have to to die, for me to Understand?

My brother gave you a “Tell me your memories” book, I read and reread the few statements you wrote in it.  The questions that clicked, “Did you ever Pretend to be sick as an excuse to stay home from school?” and “Did you ever get in trouble for saying a bad word?”

Your answer to both questions was, “NO!” It took a few days for me to understand what the meanings held inside the questions and why you answered some and left others blank.

There was a simpleness and honesty and purity in those questions and answers. You grew up in the place I count as my safe place, the place that saved me.

I believe the reason I am not More Upset by your death is because you  were not at the gas station where dad said you would be when we took off;  we were not at home when you got home from the hair dresser that Dad dropped you off at, and told you to get all dolled up, making you think things were improving!

Mom, you hunted until you found us 3000 miles away, and you fought to get us back! We moved in with your parents, which grounded us, (my brother, sister and I); it was something we really needed: it was a Blessing from God. 

Your mother was your greatest influence and you lived your life on the farm in ALL IT’S PURITY! Then you moved away and went to college and met our father; he was the most exciting thing you had ever seen.

Years ago I asked you both, “Why did you get married?”

Mom you answered, “Rich brought me out for my first pizza!”

Rich answer, “Ella was this sexy blond that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of!”

The classic sheltered girl, and the wild, crazy, bad boy meet and get married. How could that ever go wrong?

You buried all these memories into a locked cabinet inside your mind; surpassed only by God as HE set up appointments for you and I to sit and talk, answering my questions:

Mom, after your back surgery, you and I had our one and only chance to talk about our beginnings; you answered questions about where we lived those first 7 years and why we moved so often. Rich was kicked out of the teaching program and fired from teaching school; he moved us from running one boy’s home to another boy’s home and then to running a women’s shelter. My mind went to a very dark place because in the 1960 men didn’t get fired for telling bad jokes or putting your hands where they didn’t belong.

Rich sent us an email after you died, telling us of how you wrote to him every day when he was in the army; it put everything in a new perspective, because neither of you had ever talked about LOVE!

Receiving the email from Rich, changed my thoughts about him, just as the memory book made a difference of how I think of you. Knowing he came from a family with an alcoholic father, and a mother who thought of him as her special gift, spoiling him because he was born on Mother’s Day; mix in the arguments only families with an alcoholic can have, and only God knows what that does to a child.

God used that email from Rich to open my eyes to the possibility that Rich was just a boy in a man’s body that didn’t grow up, knowing how “TO BE” in society; just as his daughter also missed out on learning how “TO BE” in society, rejected when not responding in the acceptable norms.

Reasoning this, “Blew up” my long established theory of my life; now I have a new Understanding that is probably very close to the Truth!

When Rich ask you to sleep with his best friend, it lead to arguments rather than the exciting experimentation he was seeking.

My honest innocent mom, met full of life and and experimenter dad; ready to try almost anything other than drugs and alcohol: isn’t that what the 60’s were all about? After 3 children were born, a lawnmower injury, and another job loss, tension grew in the family. Tension sent Rich running; he didn’t want his children being raised in the explosive household as he had been raised.

The problem: running away with the kids wasn’t the correct answer.

The second problem: our family never talked about any of this, we just picked up life and kept going.

I am sorry my garbage overwhelmed you; the innocent place you wanted to stay couldn’t absorb the socially unacceptable behavior and speech that oozed from me. I believe you now have full understanding and acceptance of me, as you are counted in the multitude cheering us on us from Heaven.

Camping in October

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With all the comforts of home: I am sitting in our camper, at the “Wilson Island state Park campground,” in Iowa; using my home  27 inch iMac desktop computer, connecting to my iphone for a hotspot to the internet! Technology is amazing!

 

 

 

 

SLEEPING arrangement: Last year we started to use a foam mattress-top from home; it improved our sleep on the firm, too small camper bed/sofa mattress, but someone always felt like they would fall off.  In this picture to the left, Bart is sleeping on the proper bed, Sam and Charlie are on the folded foam mattress; do you see any room for me? When we are all sleeping on the bed someone feels like they are going to fall off!

This trip, I suggested we try the floor.

Amazingly, we both slept peaceful and sound; despite our bodies feeling the hard floor, beneath the 2 inches of foam!

Our gain: The ability to stretch out to our full length, with the extra bonus: solid back support, and there is no falling from the floor!

The disadvantage of sleeping on the floor: I am still sound asleep after Bart gets up. He always needs to walk the dogs; Sam was very excited and ran to the door, not noticing I am in his path!

This morning I am the Proud Owner of claw marks as Sam tried to get traction as he ran over my face!

I AM Thanking God, Sam missed my eyes.

God IS Good!

 

 

Good Bye Mosquitoes

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I don’t know what you think: I actually Believing God when He said, ” Have Faith and Don’t Doubt … Speak to the mountain … it Shall Happen”. Matt 21:21b

I started To Practice, “Speaking to the Mountain”, by telling mosquitoes they are not allowed to bite me or my family!

A few years ago, I started talking to the mosquitoes; telling them they were not allowed to bite me while weeding my garden.  They ARE Listening!

Bart is frustrated; he is spraying on Deep Woods Off  and still getting bit by mosquitoes; I am NOT getting bit by mosquitoes!

I TALK TO the mosquitoes saying, “I am in Covenant with The LORD, ‘yad hay vav hay’ (the Name Of God in Hebrew) both under the tithe and Jesus Paid the price for me to walk in the Blessing not the Curse!”  I tell Satan, “Satan, take your nasty bugs and flee from me, I am a Child of God and Protected in the Blood of Jesus!”

This is one way I PRACTICE the Walk of Faith in Jesus and His Word; Listening to Holy Spirit, and Father God to guide my every step: Most days.

This summer, we have an over abundance of dragonflies in our yard; Bart looked up dragonflies on the internet, he found they eat mosquitoes!

My thought: God sent Dragonflies to aid us in getting rid of our mosquitoes!

The mosquitoes found their way to my skin today; while I was running, I stopped to talk to neighbors and found it is difficult To Talk To the mosquitoes, in the middle of  a conversation with a neighbor.

Words have Power: Talk to your problem! Speak the Solution!

New and Old Lessons Learned

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First lesson: Save, Save, Save! I had the unwise thought that once I had posted something, I could add to it without saving it. Surprise! I was wrong.

I rewrote my last post after publishing it, reasoning since it was published I didn’t need to save it again; thinking everything on the internet last forever then BOOM, it disappeared. I know I have not saved a change on a post like this before; how many changes have I  made that didn’t stay? I would not have known this except, this time I watched it happen.

It reminds me of a time when my daughter was 3 years old, we took in a baby to watch while her mother was at work.  This baby came over with the flu one day; we washed hands constantly and as my hands grew raw from all the washing, I wondered if the antibacterial hand sanitizer kept working after I put it on, I took the chance and didn’t wash again after blowing her nose, guess what? We caught the flu.

SECOND LESSON: Take every thought captive and only keep the Good thoughts!  Starting a new class in Ancient Greek, fear and panic overcame me at the end of the first class; I wanted to push the class off to the future, maybe next fall. Possibly, I will be ready for it at that time. Finally I said, “NO Fear allowed!” I picked myself up, went out the door, and changed my  thoughts to good possible thoughts like moving my asparagus.

I avoided Greek for a few days until it got close to the next class, then I started to work at it. Someone told me it would be easier than Hebrew. IT Sure didn’t feel like it! I will admit by my second class I could guess at some of the words because they were close enough to the English to make sense; during the second  class they introduced the cursive letters and I really struggled because somehow that was suppose to be easy to understand and read.

SURPRISE! Today there were only 2 classmates which forced me learn! I painfully sounded out every letter, sometimes quickly looking up what the letters are in the middle of a word and figure out how to mouth it all together.  My teacher could see one particular letter that troubled me; it is amazing how long an hour can take when every second my brain is working on overdrive. Punting, I force the sounds out of my mouth that were not flowing easily. It is embarrassing sounding so mechanical when the other student breezes through the reading like he knows this already.

THIRD LESSON: God is Good and The Devil works hard to take my mind off of Good things by suggesting thoughts that are wrong, hard, or out of my control, to bring me down. The Devil is a lier and wants me to feel condemned and helpless.

I am learning to catch my thoughts faster, keep thinking on Good God thoughts: I am Loved, I am Righteous in Jesus, I am a Saint, I am filled With Holy Spirit and The Grace of God Covers All my mistakes! Amen! I AM STRONG, I AM ABLE TO DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME AND MAKES ME A WALKING MIRACLE! JESUS IS TRANSFORMING ME AND WON’T FINISH UNTIL HE IS DONE! I am a work in progress.

 

God Bless Each and Everyone, who reads my posts, with Good things!

Pictures

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I have learned that it is normal for people to see pictures in their head when they have a thought, or hear a word, for example, dog. Most people will see a dog in their mind. My mind sees nothing but a swirl of colors or shades of grey, if I try very hard, there is possibility of a dog appearing in my mind, but I see it as well with my eyes open as closed. IT is somewhere in my head, I don’t know what is normal.

Revelation, this is how people see words to know how to spell isn’t it? I have heard people spelling a word in their head; my mind needs to actually start to write them and try them out to see if it is the correct word or spelling of a word. It would be nice to see words in my mind without having to put them on the paper. I struggled with the word ‘sure‘ until  my daughter was 7 or 8 years old; she was reading to me and didn’t know how to pronounce the word, as I told her the pronunciation it helped me realize why I struggled to write it.  In the process of writing a note to someone I would start to write ‘sure’ as it sounds, shur and knowing it had an e on the end it would look like shure; I knew they both were wrong but couldn’t understand how it was suppose to be spelled so a different word had to be chosen.

About 10 years ago, God Blessed me, as my middle school daughter was trying to get away with using the internet in her room; I asked God to show me if she was lying, HE DID! He showed me the face my daughter has when she lies; she was wearing it at that moment! It was exciting to Know, God cared enough to help me; I didn’t want to punish my daughter unless, she really was lying.

My councilor told me I had shut mine mind off from seeing pictures in my mind; hiding the bad pictures I was seeing, sometime in my childhood. I have an idea when it was: The moment I knew my mom was not joining us as we moved, Dad said Mom would join us at the gas station. We were at the gas station and she was no where to be found. Sitting in the back of the station-wagon all the colors in my sight started to swirl as they do in the cartoons; my life changed at that moment, age 7.

I was given a good example to help me understand why: while I was running this week, someone in a vehicle called out and as my head turned to see who was calling and my eyes saw them hold a mask out of the window on a stick. That picture has been difficult to get out of my mind.

The book “Every Breath We Take” from Terry Wardle asks people to Relax, Breath calmly, and invite Holy Spirit to sanctify my imagination; I tried this and was Blessed with a memory of myself as a child about 6 years old, sitting on the floor criss cross applesauce and my arms are crossed in front of me, bursting out laughing! I am playing something with someone but it is such a Blessing to have a GOOD MEMORY from my childhood.

God is Going to Teach me how  to have my Memories return and see pictures in my mind again. Since He has been Healing my Mind and Body He has been showing my mind how to build pictures as I go to bed and clothes my eyes; it is like someone using a pencil and quickly sketching a scene and my mind watches as it becomes active. It is rather exciting!

Day of Rest

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Today the 25 degree drop in temperatures from yesterday gave me the desire to start a fire in the fireplace bringing my drinks and books into that room to enjoy the heat.  Four drinks lined the coffee table and my thoughts went to Wondering why do I always have a line of drinks with me whatever I am doing? Tomorrow will have to bring my answer to that question because my body is crying to go to bed.

IT has been a day of rest because my core muscles are not wanting to hold me up.  Something about my scoliosis and the 15-18 inch rod in my spine, probably also the slice up my front and back; God is working to give me back my nerves to my muscles but they are not all returned yet.

It is amazing how God pushes me even when I don’t want to sit up to make me run anyway; it was a very slow run about 15mm; the muscles in my stomach were crying out just a bit, but I finished my 3.5 mile daily run. It is amazing that God has given me so much strength that even days I cannot do much I am still able to move enough to get my ALL GREEN on my Fitbit! God uses different things to teach me how to move and not spend my days laying down on the couch all day.

Ten years ago I spent most of every day on the couch laying down; today, He has used this 9/9 hours a day, to get me moving just enough more to add to my strength! When I started to run in 2012 I still spent most of my time on the couch. I did put on weight when I started to run my first thought was I was gaining muscle but in reality I needed the fuel to give me the energy to run. My weight went up to 160 before I became strong enough to run every day;  God helped me realize that I lost weight if I ran, and gained weight if I didn’t run. Today, I AM STRONG; my weight is 135 pounds of solid muscle with a touch of fat and I don’t need extra food to give me strength to run; I eat much better than I ever have, Live food!

My first stretch of running daily was 10 days in a row;I was in Awe that I could do that and garden at the same time. Months late,r in the fall I made 30 days in a row; It was The Spirit guiding and pushing me, no matter how tired I was even if I had to walk portions of it, I ran 2 miles!  I learned to obey when God showed me He wanted me to run 2 miles, no matter how I felt! He was pushing me to get stronger as He is doing today!

Bart pointed out the hourly movement of 250 steps on the Fitbit; God used it to challenge me and I am all about a challenge! Even if I take a nap I make sure to be up in time to make the next 250 steps; this in itself pushes me to get stronger! I am in awe of All God is Doing in my Life and My Body!

GOD IS VERY GOOD! He only wants the best for me and you! The stronger I am the less my body hurts and the more I enjoy Life!

Hearing Again

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I heard again, God speaking through another person: type every day. I am in awe of what God is doing in me. IT seems to be my day of rest and here I am at 2 am finishing this story sitting at the computer; 8 pm I was struggling to sit up! GOD IS SO GOOD! Just so you know Jesus is teaching me how to un-clutter my house and let go of stuff.

Today, my mind was drawn to wonder, why do I enjoy shoe boxes; it is something that clutters my house along with other containers, such as plastic and cardboard boxes, wicker baskets, and those sweet boxes that carry apple products.

Does it have something to do with our trip out of California?  Mom was given custody of us and told we had to be out of the state that day or she would loose custody! We children were yanked out of school in a hurry; I still see my hand knitted poncho, my grandma knit, still hanging on the peg by the door. It must have caught my attention because it is still in my mind hanging there as I was being pulled out of the door; I didn’t have any ability to say anything as the adults were ushering me out of the class, to where? I don’t remember anything after that until we were sitting on the plane; Dad (Rich) was yelling at Mom because she was taking his children away from him.  Just a bit of Irony, it had only been  18 months since he had taken us from her in secret deception.

Mom was holding my sister in her arms on the tarmac, (40 years ago we boarded from the tarmac up a set of stairs) as Dad was screaming and grabbing at her necklace it broke; she managed to pick up all the pieces so she could restring it; a jar is sitting in my bedroom filled with that necklace, still waiting to be restrung, maybe I should string it and just finish it.

We 3 children and Mom were sitting on the plane with all our possessions in paper sacks at our feet and the next moment we were landing in MN and my grandma and grandpa came onto the plane and were worried that my jacket was not warm enough for the Northern Minnesota weather. My coat was deceptive; it looked like a rain coat, shiny blue, with warm fuzzy stuff inside. Getting off the plane and into their car driving down a small town, built of brick and snow; we left San Diego, big, warm, the school halls were outside.

The other thought could be the fact that we traveled across the country 8 people in a station wagon towing a u-haul stuffed full, but that is another story.

God Bless everyone who reads this story!