As far back as I can remember every time I shut my eyes this picture showed up with a song. I could not picture anything else as I didn’t know we were created to see pictures in our head. This picture is the only one I ever saw and it kept me company since I was a child.

Probably the first time I told anyone about it was the year we moved to Jacksonville. I was mopping the floor to clean up after our one year old daughter. While mopping, I heard a song float through the air. Dropping to my knees, clinging to the mop, I heard this wailing cry rise up from deep inside my soul.

My daughter ran to get her father; finding me, he wanted to know what  was causing such distress.

I said, “That song you were playing was the song that played in my head all my life. It is connected to a picture. In the picture I am sitting out front of a beautiful green house with shutters and sidewalk with an embankment  where I a 7 year old sit with 5-6 teenage boys. One of the boys had a guitar and is playing that song.”

Bart threw the CD away so he could never play that album from the 60’s and 70’s again. The song left my brain at that point and I have no idea what it is.

The next time the picture came into focus was when my daughter was in the 6th grade and had a part in the high school play. She asked Permission to go to the cast party.

The next afternoon I tried to take a nap but that same guttural cry rose from my belly and I had no idea why! I called my husband and he came home and took me to the church to see the pastor.

The pastor took one look at me and offered to get a counselor.

I responded, “I will go through this with Jesus!”

The interesting thing that happened was a dark tunnel opened up in my brain to the right. I knew that if I looked down that tunnel I would find out what happened, but I feared that I wouldn’t be able to return, so I never looked.

Years later I was teaching a Bible study at church with some very God fearing women. We needed to move the class to a room that gave me the willies. Fear and dread filled me and I told these women about the picture and the tunnel. They prayed for me and the tunnel disappeared and the dread left with it. God is so Good.

The next time it came into view we were in a new church and I was going through some heart ministry/counseling. All the questions I couldn’t answer were tied to that picture so the Pastor set up and appointment with, “Set Free Ministries” in Grand Rapids.

It was a 6 hour meeting to learn about things and confess and renounce evil influences in my life. They exposed lies but one I didn’t believe was a lie. The time was up so they set up a second appointment which was unusual.

I had grown some. The first visit I needed someone to drive me, because fear controlled me so completely. But this second visit I drove myself.  I now understood the thing I disagreed about, as a lie. God did something in me.

At the second meeting they set up to do a prayer intervention. First she asked me to describe the picture, then just as I started she said,”We need to pray first.!” She prayed.

The picture left my eyes! I was a bit perturbed. Maybe even angry!

I could remember the picture so I started to tell her what it looked like.

She asked, “Who is at the door welcoming you inside?”

I don’t know.

What are you wearing?”

I try different things on in my mind and a “white dress feels right.”

Go inside and describe the room.

I am outside in a hall and go into a room with two doors and no windows and sit crisscross-applesauce on the floor in the middle of the room, something I haven’t thought of for 50 years.

What is behind the other door.

All I see are skeletons and sculls floating in the air. Later I realize people in robes and masks come from the door and circle around the room with me in the center.

What happens next. I am picked me up and put me on the altar.

I see a light.

She asks about the window. I said there was no window. The woman who is praying while we talk says ,”She said it was a room with no window.” So what is the light? ( Years later God shows me He was there with me)

This is as far as I could go. They said the door is open so God can guide you through the process.

As soon as I arrived home the devil told me a lie that none of that ever happened.  I started to believe it but then I realized they way I react to so many things come from this. The devil was lying to me! It all happened.

The next year I am helping my mom after her surgery and ask tell her about the picture. She says, Your father is a very tall person. He also wanted to try anything crazy just to do something different. So I had to wrestle with that for a few days to believe my dad could do that.

Sometime in the next year or so in church while I am Worshiping God fully, God drops a picture in my mind. My dad taking me from the altar and hanging me upside down on an upside down cross.

When I told my husband he said, “That explains everything!”

Sometime later I ask God, “What is the big deal with being hung upside down on a cross? I know it is a spiritual thing but is that it?”

God showed me a picture of two boys on top of me at once.

I said, “That is enough! I don’t need to see anymore!”

WHAT I DO KNOW IS JESUS KNOWS JUST THE RIGHT TIME AND THE MOST DELICATE WAY TO DO THE HEALING IF WE JUST SEEK HIM AND DO WHAT HE GIVE US TO DO!

I heard again, God speaking through another person: type every day. I am in awe of what God is doing in me. IT seems to be my day of rest and here I am at 2 am finishing this story sitting at the computer; 8 pm I was struggling to sit up! GOD IS SO GOOD! Just so you know Jesus is teaching me how to un-clutter my house and let go of stuff.

Today, my mind was drawn to wonder, why do I enjoy shoe boxes; it is something that clutters my house along with other containers, such as plastic and cardboard boxes, wicker baskets, and those sweet boxes that carry apple products.

Does it have something to do with our trip out of California?  Mom was given custody of us and told we had to be out of the state that day or she would loose custody! We children were yanked out of school in a hurry; I still see my hand knitted poncho, my grandma knit, still hanging on the peg by the door. It must have caught my attention because it is still in my mind hanging there as I was being pulled out of the door; I didn’t have any ability to say anything as the adults were ushering me out of the class, to where? I don’t remember anything after that until we were sitting on the plane; Dad (Rich) was yelling at Mom because she was taking his children away from him.  Just a bit of Irony, it had only been  18 months since he had taken us from her in secret deception.

Mom was holding my sister in her arms on the tarmac, (40 years ago we boarded from the tarmac up a set of stairs) as Dad was screaming and grabbing at her necklace it broke; she managed to pick up all the pieces so she could restring it; a jar is sitting in my bedroom filled with that necklace, still waiting to be restrung, maybe I should string it and just finish it.

We 3 children and Mom were sitting on the plane with all our possessions in paper sacks at our feet and the next moment we were landing in MN and my grandma and grandpa came onto the plane and were worried that my jacket was not warm enough for the Northern Minnesota weather. My coat was deceptive; it looked like a rain coat, shiny blue, with warm fuzzy stuff inside. Getting off the plane and into their car driving down a small town, built of brick and snow; we left San Diego, big, warm, the school halls were outside.

The other thought could be the fact that we traveled across the country 8 people in a station wagon towing a u-haul stuffed full, but that is another story.

God Bless everyone who reads this story!

March 29, 2017

Today I went to see a counselor for the first time in many years; I Do Believe it is a Good God thing! After returning home from the counselor, I had strength to dig  and replant my asparagus with ease, even after running and digging today combined with sitting up and writing an email for 5 hours last night. My right side started to complain before finishing the email. Tomorrow might be an interesting day; maybe, just maybe, God will keep me free from pain and able to clean house and finish my bedroom project!  God’s Grace covered me in full tonight!

My counselor asked me one question about the memories God has returned to me, if they are real or something Jesus does to help heal damage? I know they are real because they explain why I react to things the way I have my whole life.

I had no idea that a counselor could help me learn to read clues people are giving me.  I thought she would have to walk around with me every day and tell  me what I am missing. I must be wrong because she seemed to think it was in the something she could help me with.

God is Good!

At the end of my 9th year of life my mom married her second husband who eventually adopted us: he wanted to hug me and have me reciprocate. What he received was a loud scream!

Mom asked, “Has he done anything?”

I had to respond, “no.”

Mom responded, “You are not aloud to scream when he hugs you.”

HE hadn’t done anything inappropriate but I didn’t want to be hugged: the problem was she didn’t ask the next question!

One day that first summer, I approached mom after dad returned to work: I said, “Mom, now that you are married and don’t have to work anymore, you can spend time with me.” She stood there with a look of shock on her face: the next thing I knew she had gotten a job selling Tupperware.

While my mom was visiting us in 2012 she confessed to me the thought that ran through her head at that moment was,

“What have I done!?” (her first husband our dad had kidnapped us)

Sadly, I walk away, realizing I could not trust her! ( I needed her )

Our disconnect showed up a day in 7th grade; my mom was going to pick me up after school, by the light pole, because she was going to be out and about that day. Waiting after school for my mom, feeling insecure, and thinking people were watching me; I walked home. I truly thought I could get home faster than it would take for her to arrive.

Mom told me that she was frantic looking for me; not finding me, she even went into the school, to my locker, asking kids about me, and didn’t find me! I understand now that she was having fear of kidnapping: a flashback to the day she arrived home and everyone was gone!

Soon after that we moved to a new town during my first semester of 7th grade; within weeks of moving we found I had scoliosis: I returned from Christmas brake with a Milwaukee Brace. My mom drove me 90 miles every 2 months to have my spine checked; unbeknownst to my mom, I played sex games with my barbies on the floor of car as she tried to talk to me: I ignored her.

One spring or summer day goofing off with my brother, my mom walked into the garage and asked, “Would you like to talk to a counselor?” not responding, I stood there shocked and unsure; thinking, “What did she want me to do or say?” (This is years before I told her I about my sexual abuse.)

She waited for a moment and said, “If you won’t talk to me, you won’t talk to a counselor!” and she walked out.

How many people live this disconnect everyday of their lives? People injured reacting to their injures and causing more injury to  the people they love the most. WHAT IS THE ANSWER? JESUS AND THE BIBLE!!!! LISTEN AND OBEY!!!

I was Watching the Dr. Phil interview of Nicholas Brendon; his 12/1/15 interview update, brought up feelings of being a child not knowing what I should feel, how I should act. I have felt this way most of my life. There was turmoil in my life for many years; about 20 months in my grade school years I was used by a teenage boy. I didn’t feel safe to tell anyone tell anyone for another 10 years!

During my Junior High, High School years, before I was able to drive; I would walk 1 mile home from school. A group of boys in my class would walk 30-50 yards before me or after me the first half of my walk; talking loudly, so I would hear.  I didn’t understand; I knew I was being teased; was it a good thing or a bad thing? I was being noticed! I wondered every day I walked home, if I got hit by a car crossing the highway, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my funeral?

I also wondered if my mom loved me. I remember standing in my bedroom having this thought; asking myself, “Does she love me?” I decided she must love me, she came and found us and fought to get us back. Did I feel it? NO. Did my head know it? yes.

If I had not found Jesus in 1981 I would have had a life of drugs and alcohol, much the same as Nicholas Brendon. Instead, I have found LOVE AND HEALING AND RELATIONSHIP!!!

The healing has taken time; I have not know how to act in social situation most of my life; but Today,

Lead by Jesus,

I am learning!

#SavingNicholas

My daughter asked me about nutmeg this thanksgiving 2015; I don’t know why she asked, maybe because I don’t put much nutmeg in my pumpkin pie and my daughter’s friend didn’t finish her pie. When I think of nutmeg, a picture comes up; everyone sipping eggnog by the fireplace, being told it is one of those things I am to eat and enjoy. I don’t think I enjoyed it.

We were living in a house with a huge open dining area, vaulted ceilings and a fireplace at the far end.  The 8 of us sat on picnic style table and chairs, probably made out of plywood and cement blocks.  We made origami on Christmas morning; I remember coming down the stairs seeing the container  holding different sheets of colored paper and some animals already made.

We lived in a farm house with a pond we could ice skate on or slip and slide, surrounded by corn stocks and hills to slide down the snow with sleds. We 6 kids slept on the floor in sleeping bags and on New Years Eve 1969 he reached into my sleeping bag and touched me as no 7 year old girl should be touched. I heard the church bells ringing midnight, my dad is downstairs; somehow I know he won’t help!

Eggnog brought up a memory in my daughters mind; a family Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house.  My sister offered her a glass of eggnog.  I said “NO! don’t drink it!” My sister said,  “she is in my house, let her try it!” My daughter listened to us argue and drank away!

PTSD, Anxiety, Memories remembered or just felt, pass down from one generation to the next until God intervenes!

The act of growing up into a fully functioning adult is the Job of every child. The Job of the Parent is to facilitate each child to grow into the person God created them to be. Sometimes life interrupts this process and a child becomes stuck emotionally in a certain period in their lives, even as their mind and body grow into adulthood: I graduated high school, went to college, got my degree,  got married and raised a child.

Throughout my life I didn’t realize how much I had been limited. When I moved away to college my freshman year I knew I was not as mature as my classmates.  I thought I was only 6 years behind. I knew my scoliosis and my reaction to it stunted my growth. I wore a Milwaukee brace in 7th and 8th grade; it never needed to be adjusted. I watched tv and hid from society almost completely until I had surgery; before my freshman year of high school. My surgery corrected the  curvature of my spine about half way and to stopped it from getting worse; I had two 65% curves which became two 35% curves and a 10-12 inch stainless steel rod keeps my back flat. I wore a full body cast for 9 months and when it came off, that which was stunting  my body from growing broke free and my body started to physically mature.

I did not understand that I was emotionally stuck at 7  until I was 50 my new trusted friend, Marcia, saw my strange reaction to a simple request of putting a paper in the church office.  She told me later how she watched my demeanor change into that of a child.

Here are a couple of examples of how this played out in my life:  I wanted my daughter to know how to play the piano, my husband bought a piano for her to use, I didn’t know how to get a piano teacher so, she never learned.  When I talked to someone with the possibility of starting a friendship and I find out they are a teacher, somewhere deep inside is a conflict; I’m too young, too little, to have a friendship with a teacher.

After my friend, Marcia explained what she knew, she was taking me through , “Work of Heart Ministries”, I took steps into the scary unknown! I am still walking into the unknown! Growing as a person and taking chances.   It was a work that took me a few years to become an emotionally mature adult.

I am thankful to God and my husband who has had to change with me and friends who helped along the way. This  process began at the same time my daughter graduated from high school, I watched her become an adult and break away from us, her family of origin, into a person in her own right. I followed her example!

God is Good!

This is often a very subtle but sometimes very overt interaction that happens everyday in this world. I found myself doing it today. It may lead to taking offense because you don’t like how someone acts or reacts. Offense leads to bitterness and unforgiveness.

Love forgives what is wrong and covers! Love tries to understand and feel where the other person is coming from.

This week I lost sleep when I woke realizing my mom and sister want to blame me for my lack of ability to feel love as a child.

The Good that has come from this interaction opened my eyes to the fact that my granma’s house was my “safe place”! I have never used words of “love”, always “safe place”.

I now understand I started to feel Love when God entered my life at age 19. The people who I was around when God entered into my life were people from Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship. I have caused hurt to people because I made a post on Facebook about, “the first people to love me”. I should have been more perfectly correct and written, “the people from whom I first felt love”.

IT WAS NOT ME who kidnapped me away from my mom.  It was not me who added new people to the family. IT was not me who decided at age 7 to try sex with a teenage son. It was not me who brought me to a Satanic ritual.

IT WAS ME who protected myself by putting a wall up. I tried to open it to my mom once and she reacted badly. I closed myself back up and trusted no one. I have been learning to trust again BECAUSE  THE LOVE OF GOD HAS BEEN FILLING ME over the last 34 years.

Learning to Understand!

God is Good!