This story is not for everyone.

Do you ever have dreams that bring up something from your past you never want to remember?

God is reminding me of James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.”

I want to preface this story with the fact that the first 10 years of my life were hyper sexual.

About 2014-15  I met my dad’s sister, for the first time in 50 years. I brought a video received from my dad and I wanted to ask if she knew some of the people.

The video has a quick look at me taking a bath with my dad and I am about 3 years old. My aunt runs out of the room so fast, I know something’s wrong with this picture.

I have memories of taking baths with my dad up to age 4 or 5 years.

This exposes how skewed my norms are! 

From the ages of 7-10 I was kidnapped, trafficked, (taught how to please a man), given as an offering to Satan by my dad and used by 5 teenage boys, then rescued.

Mom saves us and brings us out of the cesspool, but the cesspool is in us.  Now I feel the need to teach what I have been taught. The boys I meet at 9 years old I bring into a closet and teach them how to kiss.

After a few years on our own Mom marries a man, (Dad 2,) who will protect her from her first husband. On their blind date she asks him if he will protect her from her first husband who is in town wanting time with his children.

I notice when we move in with Dad 2, he doesn’t ever come out of his room without being fully dressed. Somehow this translates into my broken soul as safety and I never again feel the need to teach a boy to kiss.

Before I enter teen years I am found to have scoliosis and am fitted for a Milwaukee body brace. This entails a body cast put on my naked body so they can form the brace. Two years of wearing the body brace, my spinal curve grows from 35 degrees to 65 degrees.

I am set up for surgery.

They take before and after pictures of my naked body. After the surgery I need a body cast to live in for 9 months. There is nothing like having grown men talking about girls as they cut away the chest piece so I am able to breath but it leaves my developing breasts open and smoothing the cast around the groin. Just a bit traumatic.

With the cast and brace gone I am skinny with a little figure and my brother’s friend takes me for a drive. He puts his hands where I don’t want them but who am I to say anything? Then he takes my hand and puts it where I really don’t want to go. I hear around school that I am easy. No one ever told me I had any right to say no.

Society influences us easily when we spend much of our lives without boundaries. After watching the Carol Burnett Show do a skit on strip poker, my brother and friends decide to try it. I am about 15-16 years old.

I CHOOSE TO NOT LIVE THIS LIFE.

We are drinking in our friends basement and playing card and stripping with the losses and it turns into to a sexual encounter.

God has shown me this is a turning point, I choose this point to decided I don’t have to do this. I closed my legs and decided no matter how good it might feel I didn’t want to go there. No one forces me so it is a start to change.

The consequences of my childhood start being exposed when I meet a guy I feel safe with. We meet in February of my senior year in high school.

I give in to sex because that is what I have been taught, but every time he gets on top of me I weep and cry. A breakthrough arrives with summer. A group, (I am the youngest) camps at the lake and I drink 8 cans of beer,(the only time in my life to drink that much).  This deadens my emotions I am able to go through with sex. It feels like an accomplishment.

After that my mom realizes what is going on and writes me a letter. She says I should be bringing my boyfriend around and not hiding out because that is when sex happens. Little does she know what I was taught at 7 years old with her first husband and friends. I lived in shame and hide all my experiences but it is what I know.

Healing begins at age 19 when I truly find Jesus! Holy Spirit has given me great desire to study the Word which gives me a safe set of guardrails to guide my life. I dig in deep because He is The Safe Place of ALL TIME.

God has been healing all these years but one big healing is when God took Keith, the teenage boy who taught me how to please a man, out of my head so I could make love with my husband and not have to have the TV on to distract my mind.

God heals me and at 50 I am set free! I am finally allowed to make LOVE with my husband and it is only my husband on my mind.

GOD IS SO VERY GOOD!