2 messed up people

Published on by Justine3 Comments

IMG_7616 (1)At the end of my 9th year of life my mom married her second husband who eventually adopted us: he wanted to hug me and have me reciprocate. What he received was a loud scream!

Mom asked, “Has he done anything?”

I had to respond, “no.”

Mom responded, “You are not aloud to scream when he hugs you.”

HE hadn’t done anything inappropriate but I didn’t want to be hugged: the problem was she didn’t ask the next question!

One day that first summer, I approached mom after dad returned to work: I said, “Mom, now that you are married and don’t have to work anymore, you can spend time with me.” She stood there with a look of shock on her face: the next thing I knew she had gotten a job selling Tupperware.

While my mom was visiting us in 2012 she confessed to me the thought that ran through her head at that moment was,

“What have I done!?” (her first husband our dad had kidnapped us)

Sadly, I walk away, realizing I could not trust her! ( I needed her )

Our disconnect showed up a day in 7th grade; my mom was going to pick me up after school, by the light pole, because she was going to be out and about that day. Waiting after school for my mom, feeling insecure, and thinking people were watching me; I walked home. I truly thought I could get home faster than it would take for her to arrive.

Mom told me that she was frantic looking for me; not finding me, she even went into the school, to my locker, asking kids about me, and didn’t find me! I understand now that she was having fear of kidnapping: a flashback to the day she arrived home and everyone was gone!

Soon after that we moved to a new town during my first semester of 7th grade; within weeks of moving we found I had scoliosis: I returned from Christmas brake with a Milwaukee Brace. My mom drove me 90 miles every 2 months to have my spine checked; unbeknownst to my mom, I played sex games with my barbies on the floor of car as she tried to talk to me: I ignored her.

One spring or summer day goofing off with my brother, my mom walked into the garage and asked, “Would you like to talk to a counselor?” not responding, I stood there shocked and unsure; thinking, “What did she want me to do or say?” (This is years before I told her I about my sexual abuse.)

She waited for a moment and said, “If you won’t talk to me, you won’t talk to a counselor!” and she walked out.

How many people live this disconnect everyday of their lives? People injured reacting to their injures and causing more injury to  the people they love the most. WHAT IS THE ANSWER? JESUS AND THE BIBLE!!!! LISTEN AND OBEY!!!

 

beginning of freedom

Published on by Justine1 Comment

This is the first email I wrote about being set free; I was given the word “SHAME”to claim! I see miss spellings and  other things that could be corrected but it is the email I sent 5 years ago.  Much has changed since then.  I will add updates later.

hi everyone. i don’t know if I am the only one who is realizing this but it has been 40 years since we left California and found a safe haven at the farm. I started out the week doing a Bible study in Isaiah. The question asked about 40:23 “those who hope in me will not be disappointed”. My Bible says, “will not be put to shame”. When I read this, the pictures I have had in my mind for the last 40 years came to mind and stayed. God didn’t give me this shame but He showed me this is what I have been feeling for the last 40 years. I am not good enough.

I had words to put to the picture of Keith taking me to a boys bathroom in the park and asking me to take off all my clothes and stand there so he could look at me one last time. The picture in my head is of me standing there fearing someone was going to walk in and see me standing there naked. I do realize this is not what I saw but it is a better picture than the one I actually saw of a teen boy looking at me probably doing something.

I guess what is good is I was given a word to go with the picture. This is my shame! I am believing this is going to leave me now that I have put words to it and cried over it. I also have the before and after pictures from my surgery as my shame also. I stood there in underware pushed down as far as possible as they took pictures of my naked body from all 4 sides.

So I thought it was leaving but other thoughts have surfaced like for the first time I started to wonder how I knew how long we were gone. I know we left in the fall when I was 7. I know we were in Minnesota on a corn farm with a lake for Christmas and New Years. We were all sick sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor with diarrhea. I also remember listening for the chime of the church bells calling for the new year.

I don’t remember having a birthday. I remember living on a dead end street and eating pent butter and jelly sandwiches out of a Uhal until the police came and made us leave. I do remember trick or treating with Keith at the 7 /11. I do know when we arrived in Thief River Falls it was March and almost Easter. So I guess we had a birthday go by.

I think my life has settled down enough to take care of the hurts of my past. It is amazing how anniversaries have meaning. I remember the first church service in at the farm when everyone mobbed my mom after the service ended and we kids were left wondering what we were suppose to do. my guess is this year Easter will have more meaning. Healing is coming. that little girl is still hurt. Healing comes in layers. I think talking with the people who went through this with me will help. The little bit we did when we were together last year was hard but needed.

Luv u all. Tell me what you think. Justine

Christmas 2015

Published on by Justine1 Comment

The Important Stuff!

We had a wonderful Christmas together: my husband, my daughter, my self, Zachery, Charlie, Sam, Grace, and Fluffy!

The house didn't get clean, the Christmas cards were not sent,
Christmas dinner was eaten on the couch 
watching a movie instead of on the table with the good dishes; 
is any of that important? Not really. 
Time together is!

We did put up the lights outside especially the Cross my husband made for me years ago and found a wonderful Fraser fir, live tree at The Home Depot, which is still green and fresh 4 days after Christmas;

it was decorated and we even put a Christmas village under the tree.IMG_6850 (1)IMG_7127 (2)Discussion and Revelation:

After dinner, my daughter and I were talking about, how my volunteering at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission during Christmas vacation, for only 10 hours a week wore me out. She gave me a glimpse of the life she remembered as a teen coming home from school and find me sitting on the couch in-front of the TV; she remembers 3 days of nothing, absolutely nothing being done, and then energy would be found to spend 1 day doing housework, preparing meals or going shopping.

When she talked about not being able to do anything; my body laid down often, because it takes back muscles to sit up; scoliosis and the surgery cut the nerves and atrophied the muscles.  I Didn’t understand why my body was so weak; I exercised and lifted weights! It was amazing how my body had one good day a month full of energy to get everything done that needed to get done; of course everything didn’t get done.

Today, God is healing my body so instead of spending 3 days on the couch and one day up and moving;  NOW my body has 5 -6 days of working with one or two days of rest! God is so Good!

 

 

Ups and Downs

Published on by Justine2 Comments

Yesterday we were thinking it was the end of Zachery’s life.  He lay still long enough I called my daughter to let her know the time was arriving to say goodbye. Michelle drove over, we cried, we talked, Michelle groomed Zachery and held him in her lap. Something inside of Zachery started to come alive again and he started to eat.

Today, he made himself get up and eat and go outside. He even put himself to bed with my husband, even though I am still up. I don’t know how much longer Zachery has left to live, but spending his last moments at home with family is  an act of LOVE!!!

 

Zachery rallied
Zachery rallied
Thinking it was the end of life.
Thinking it was the end of life.

What is Normal?

Published on by Justine1 Comment

I was Watching the Dr. Phil interview of Nicholas Brendon; his 12/1/15 interview update, brought up feelings of being a child not knowing what I should feel, how I should act. I have felt this way most of my life. There was turmoil in my life for many years; about 20 months in my grade school years I was used by a teenage boy. I didn’t feel safe to tell anyone tell anyone for another 10 years!

During my Junior High, High School years, before I was able to drive; I would walk 1 mile home from school. A group of boys in my class would walk 30-50 yards before me or after me the first half of my walk; talking loudly, so I would hear.  I didn’t understand; I knew I was being teased; was it a good thing or a bad thing? I was being noticed! I wondered every day I walked home, if I got hit by a car crossing the highway, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my funeral?

I also wondered if my mom loved me. I remember standing in my bedroom having this thought; asking myself, “Does she love me?” I decided she must love me, she came and found us and fought to get us back. Did I feel it? NO. Did my head know it? yes.

If I had not found Jesus in 1981 I would have had a life of drugs and alcohol, much the same as Nicholas Brendon. Instead, I have found LOVE AND HEALING AND RELATIONSHIP!!!

The healing has taken time; I have not know how to act in social situation most of my life; but Today,

Lead by Jesus,

I am learning!

 

#SavingNicholas

Zachery’s aging

Published on by Justine5 Comments

IMG_5547 (1)Zachery has good days and bad days: days he is hungry and days he is not hungry at all, days he walks well and days he needs to be picked up and carried down the stairs. For my sanity, I have started to pick Zachery up and take him outside anytime he moves, or if I have the feeling the 4 month old puppy needs out. It is much easier to take all three dogs out every few hours; it leaves much less mess to clean up.

Sometimes when Zachery gets up, I find he really just wants me to give him attention and Love him and help his tired, atrophied muscles to relax; and sometimes he just wants to go to bed.

Something in Zachery’s personality has changed recently, he used to be one of the dogs that needed to go out when we got home; now there is a need to connect, to know I haven’t left him, a joy that I am home. Zachery has been the dog left home because Charlie needed so much attention, Charlie has anxiety attacks, Charlie goes crazy when he is left alone! Now Zachery is in need, He NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND CARED FOR, not just be the other dog anymore.

It is humbling to see the LOVE that Zachery has for me.  He is not a dog I have appreciated for the most of his 18 years. He is work to me! I don’t vacuum for dirt, I vacuum for Zachery’s hair! I walk him, I feed him, and I clean up after him; he sheds hair like no dog I have ever seen in my entire life.  I just recently realized the fine hair we have had to use a sticky roller to clean off our clothes, all these years, comes from him. He has long coarse hair, but his fine winter coat is what covers my clothes every time I pick him up.

Zachery has worked his Love on me and I now care for him as if he is my child.  I try to coax food into him every day; it hurts when he has no appetite, but it is wonderful when he is hungry and eats; tonight he ate almost a full can of dog food! It is hard to figure out what he will eat: he switches from wanting  dry dog food, to canned dog food that is all mush, to dog food that is meat and gravy, or rice, home made soup; he even tired of turkey from Thanksgiving!

I clean up after him and treat him with dignity because I know it is not easy for him getting older and he is not as able to control his body as well as he used to. I have been carrying him down the stairs for a little while; partly because it is faster, and partly because it has been hard for him to walk. Then all of a sudden he is walking and going down the stairs all on his own without help and he even has some speed to his walk.

This end of life walk is a bit crazy, God Willing the end will be peaceful.

Nutmeg

Published on by Justine5 Comments

My daughter asked me about nutmeg this thanksgiving 2015; I don’t know why she asked, maybe because I don’t put much nutmeg in my pumpkin pie and my daughter’s friend didn’t finish her pie. When I think of nutmeg, a picture comes up; everyone sipping eggnog by the fireplace, being told it is one of those things I am to eat and enjoy. I don’t think I enjoyed it.

We were living in a house with a huge open dining area, vaulted ceilings and a fireplace at the far end.  The 8 of us sat on picnic style table and chairs, probably made out of plywood and cement blocks.  We made origami on Christmas morning; I remember coming down the stairs seeing the container  holding different sheets of colored paper and some animals already made.

We lived in a farm house with a pond we could ice skate on or slip and slide, surrounded by corn stocks and hills to slide down the snow with sleds. We 6 kids slept on the floor in sleeping bags and on New Years Eve 1969 he reached into my sleeping bag and touched me as no 7 year old girl should be touched. I heard the church bells ringing midnight, my dad is downstairs; somehow I know he won’t help!

Eggnog brought up a memory in my daughters mind; a family Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house.  My sister offered her a glass of eggnog.  I said “NO! don’t drink it!” My sister said,  “she is in my house, let her try it!” My daughter listened to us argue and drank away!

PTSD, Anxiety, Memories remembered or just felt, pass down from one generation to the next until God intervenes!

BECOMING A PERSON

Published on by Justine4 Comments

The act of growing up into a fully functioning adult is the Job of every child. The Job of the Parent is to facilitate each child to grow into the person God created them to be. Sometimes life interrupts this process and a child becomes stuck emotionally in a certain period in their lives, even as their mind and body grow into adulthood: I graduated high school, went to college, got my degree,  got married and raised a child.

Throughout my life I didn’t realize how much I had been limited. When I moved away to college my freshman year I knew I was not as mature as my classmates.  I thought I was only 6 years behind. I knew my scoliosis and my reaction to it stunted my growth. I wore a Milwaukee brace in 7th and 8th grade; it never needed to be adjusted. I watched tv and hid from society almost completely until I had surgery; before my freshman year of high school. My surgery corrected the  curvature of my spine about half way and to stopped it from getting worse; I had two 65% curves which became two 35% curves and a 10-12 inch stainless steel rod keeps my back flat. I wore a full body cast for 9 months and when it came off, that which was stunting  my body from growing broke free and my body started to physically mature.

I did not understand that I was emotionally stuck at 7  until I was 50 my new trusted friend, Marcia, saw my strange reaction to a simple request of putting a paper in the church office.  She told me later how she watched my demeanor change into that of a child.

Here are a couple of examples of how this played out in my life:  I wanted my daughter to know how to play the piano, my husband bought a piano for her to use, I didn’t know how to get a piano teacher so, she never learned.  When I talked to someone with the possibility of starting a friendship and I find out they are a teacher, somewhere deep inside is a conflict; I’m too young, too little, to have a friendship with a teacher.

After my friend, Marcia explained what she knew, she was taking me through , “Work of Heart Ministries”, I took steps into the scary unknown! I am still walking into the unknown! Growing as a person and taking chances.   It was a work that took me a few years to become an emotionally mature adult.

I am thankful to God and my husband who has had to change with me and friends who helped along the way. This  process began at the same time my daughter graduated from high school, I watched her become an adult and break away from us, her family of origin, into a person in her own right. I followed her example!

God is Good!

Blaming the victim

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

This is often a very subtle but sometimes very overt interaction that happens everyday in this world. I found myself doing it today. It may lead to taking offense because you don’t like how someone acts or reacts. Offense leads to bitterness and unforgiveness.

Love forgives what is wrong and covers! Love tries to understand and feel where the other person is coming from.

This week I lost sleep when I woke realizing my mom and sister want to blame me for my lack of ability to feel love as a child.

The Good that has come from this interaction opened my eyes to the fact that my granma’s house was my “safe place”! I have never used words of “love”, always “safe place”.

I now understand I started to feel Love when God entered my life at age 19. The people who I was around when God entered into my life were people from Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship. I have caused hurt to people because I made a post on Facebook about, “the first people to love me”. I should have been more perfectly correct and written, “the people from whom I first felt love”.

IT WAS NOT ME who kidnapped me away from my mom.  It was not me who added new people to the family. IT was not me who decided at age 7 to try sex with a teenage son. It was not me who brought me to a Satanic ritual.

IT WAS ME who protected myself by putting a wall up. I tried to open it to my mom once and she reacted badly. I closed myself back up and trusted no one. I have been learning to trust again BECAUSE  THE LOVE OF GOD HAS BEEN FILLING ME over the last 34 years.

Learning to Understand!

God is Good!

 

Learning how to Walk in Love

Published on by Justine13 Comments

WALKING IN LOVE

God uses the normal daily walk to teach us how to live like Jesus.

IMG_5819

Zachery February 1998!  I brought him home for Michelle to have a pet.  He became work for me.

Zachery sheds huge amounts of hair.  We got a bag-less vacuum because every time I vacuumed I would fill a bag.

We gave Zachery to Michelle when she was 4 years old. She has since moved out of the house and Zachery is left to live out his days with Bart and I.

This last two years God has been teaching me how to Love  Zachery. I have had a friend say we should just put him out of his misery. I believe he was still running with me at the time.  Even if he wasn’t running he was still walking a mile and enjoying life. At this point in time He is at the end of his life. We have adjusted much of our lives to help him live out his days well. He wants to be with us, he still follows us from room to room to be near us.

When Michelle left home Zachery stopped getting the attention he used to. I have learned to figure out what Zachery is asking for.   

I HAVE GOTTEN ON THE FLOOR WITH HIM TO GIVE HIM A BACK MASSAGE.

I would have never done that in the past. He has lost most of his muscle mass, and his back and hip bones stand out. When I massage his muscles, I see his body relax. He feels better and he has received Love!

Zachery has been a picky eater. He quit eating for a while because he no longer was interested in the food.   We thought his fogy brain was just aging but food helped his thinking. When his brain isn’t thinking he forgets when he is inside and when he is outside. Often to get him to eat I have to change his food with different types of canned dog food or gravy or rice. It is not always easy to understand what he needs are at the time.

Sometimes I need him to go outside or move to another room, and have found MILK-BONE dog bones are a great  encouragement  to get him to follow. There has only been one day he refused the MILK-BONE because he wanted to go out a different door and explore the back yard instead of time in the fenced in area.

I used to walk Zachery around the block (1/2 mile) and even up to a mile for the last few years. I quit walking Zachery 6 months ago because I had to carry him home twice. We eventually realized Zachery was leaving a message that he didn’t appreciate being left behind when Charlie got a walk/run. So now after Charlie comes home I take Zachery for a walk down to the corner and give him the chance to smell the smells of dog life! It has also had the benefit of strengthening his legs to aid him up and down the stairs.

I have come to care about Zachery’s needs and wants. Helping him through the end of his life instead of yelling because he is bothering me. What would Jesus do?