Christmas That Wasn’t

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

Waking the day after Christmas I looked in the mirror and the face I saw was of someone who has been through a hard fought battle. I am still here, alive.

I slept 24 hours through Christmas.

I hear so many preachers teach putting things away from your past using Paul’s comments about the garbage of works ( Philippians 3:7-8), or Jesus heals everything you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Others say, “Stop thinking about it and get on with what is happening today.”

My mom lived this and she raised me saying,”Life happens, your alive so keep moving.” What she did in practice is stuff everything.

When I returned to college my sophomore year my suite mate told me, “If you don’t get counseling you will end up a wicked old witch.”

The next thing I did was find the counseling in student health. After 6 months of listening to a man on the far end of the room, I came away with 2 facts. I still loved my dad (Rich) and healing will come if I get mad instead of becoming depressed.

The realization that I Loved  Dad no matter what he did was hard to comprehend. But it didn’t take long for me to use the advice of using anger to expel the emotion instead of internalize it and get depressed with thoughts of what garbage I was.

Many times I have paid a counselor but most of the time it has been the Great Counselor, Holy Spirit who has taken me through the healing. This year I was taken aback. My body shut down for Christmas.

I went to bed with frustration. The oven unknowingly shut off it’s gas. This meant neither the roast nor my coffee cake could be cooked on Christmas. Who knew my coffee cake was my protection?  I have made it every year since I was 9 years old save the year with the flu.

Have you ever been surprised how important some item is or the meaning connected to a tradition?

The day after Christmas I text my neighbor about using her oven, and I was shocked to have tears flow. This helped me realize the importance of Christmas with my coffee cake. They go together.

In my ninth year in life the four of us my mom, brother, and sister and I were living in an apartment after moving out of our grandparents farm,(our place of healing).

Mom said, “We are not going to open gifts until we have eaten. Justine would you like to make a coffee cake?”

Was this the reason my body shut down or does it have something to do with what happened the next year?

My tenth Christmas we were in a house with a new father, (who needed to be loved). I woke up early to sit in front of the tree and the lights. I plugged in the tree and the next thing I heard was…

“HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU! What Do you Think you Are you Doing?”

Mom appeared, “What’s going on here?”

“She isn’t old enough to plug in the lights!”

“Justine since you are up why don’t you make the coffee cake you made last year? The others will be getting up soon.”

I’m sure my mom suggested that we children have our own tree in the basement to decorate the next year, they bought a fake tree for themselves.

This scene stuck in my head and popped up every once and a while. I might have even told someone but it never was connected to emotion.

Talking about something doesn’t heal you. Healing comes when it connects to your emotions.

A friend ask, “Why couldn’t God just go down and pull up the root of all your pain.”

What I know now is my pain is weaved into every fiber of my being and if God tried to heal it all at once it would kill me. It is God’s Grace to give me what I am able to handle at the appropriate time.

I am 60 Years old and I have had Great amounts of healing in many areas, but there might always be another area needing healing. But God, My Father of LOVE, knows when and how to bring the healing in the most LOVING WAY.

Failing the Test

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

Today, my flesh arose. This strong desire to have it MY WAY!  I failed miserably in putting it down.

My husband wanted to watch a show with me, but he wanted to watch it live. I wanted to watch by DVR.  IT was evident that I pouted like a child when the commercials came on. I could feel it, this thing rising in my soul that has not been crucified with Jesus, yet.

IT is amazing how some small difference can grow into discord, pushing Peace from the room.

I did ask God for help, after the fact. Maybe if I had spent time with Him earlier I would have had self control.

Philippians 2:3 -4 do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of us regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for our own personal interests but also the interests of others.

Help me Holy Spirit be more like Jesus. Amen.

You Will Live and Not Die

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

Driving West to visit the parents, we met my nephew before heading to the homestead. My nephew told me that my mom sat everyone down separately to tell each person, “I have lung cancer and will die by the summer.”

The words that came out of my mouth were, “SHE WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE!”

When we arrived at the parents house the same spirit rose up in me.

I WOULD NOT ALLOW ANY TALK OF DEATH!

I told my mom, “YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE!”

I had communion with her telling her that Jesus body was broken for her healing, and His Blood was shed for you to have His righteousness.

The other thing I did was write out Psalm 103:5 and asked her what it meant to her when she read it. Then I suggested she confess it out loud daily and believe it.

After returning home I called daily to put LIFE into her thoughts.

Instead of dying by the summer she was free of cancer from her brain, lung and next to her aorta.

How did I have the Strength and Boldness to speak life  everyone this way?

The answer came this week when I heard a preacher use Psalm 118:17 which says, “I shall not die, but live and tell the works of the LORD.”

Years ago, I read out loud five Psalms and one Proverb every day.  This covers all the Psalms and Proverbs each month. I read so long I wrote days of the month in my Bible to tell me where to start each day.

Joshua 1:8 says to meditate on the Word day and night so you might do all that is written so your life may be prosperous and have success.

When the Word is stored up in our soul then Holy Spirit is able to BRING IT TO REMEMBRANCE  when we need it!  He did it for me and He will do it for you!

PUT THE WORD IN YOUR SOUL!

Getting Free From Self Protection

Published on by Justine1 Comment

Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do?

One day I  asked  my dad, “Why do you act the way you do?” and got in big trouble. It is probably something to ask yourself not others.

I grew up being  criticized and turned into a  person pointing out everything not done perfectly. The pain it caused others made me want to change but no matter how hard I tried I could not start out positive. If I opened my mouth it had to state the problem before I could get around to the good stuff.

God wants us to cover mistakes not expose them, so I have tried  so hard to change, but can’t. It probably has something to do with self protection, if I hurt you before you hurt me all will be good.

When I was about 50 I started a counseling program but my mind had everything locked up believing it was too difficult to face what happened so I was sent to a specialty counselor. I talk about it in the story, “The Picture that Ruled My Life.”

Self protection had its place getting me  through a very hard season of my life.  When I didn’t have a place to deal with what happened  it took on a life of its own and Kept me from my LIFE.

God helped me to TRUST HIM!

The more I could trust God  I didn’t need to self protect. God turned my fear into a strength and confidence to go to places I have always wanted to go but couldn’t. I finally was able to go to the Joyce Meyer Women’s Conference meeting my cousin who I had not seen since I was 7. A desire I had for over ten years.

With success I signed up and, drove to Kentucky to volunteer at a Joyce Meyer Conference. I was able to do the whole experience such as checking into the motel, ordering food, eating alone, and finding where I go to do my volunteering. All the tings I could not do when my self protection kept me hiding at home afraid of the world.

I have been growing and changing the last 10 years and life is very different and Good! I could not have written this blog without facing and healing from everything my seven year old self was protecting me from. I will also say that at age 59 I was able for the first time compliment my daughter on what she did and not offer one comment about what was left undone. God is so very Good!

LIFE IS GOOD! LEARN TO ENJOY IT!

LOVE AND TRUST THE GOD WHO CREATED YOU AND WANTS TO HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEARTS. AMEN!

 

The Picture that Ruled My Life

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

As far back as I can remember every time I shut my eyes this picture showed up with a song. I could not picture anything else as I didn’t know we were created to see pictures in our head. This picture is the only one I ever saw and it kept me company since I was a child.

Probably the first time I told anyone about it was the year we moved to Jacksonville. I was mopping the floor to clean up after our one year old daughter. While mopping, I heard a song float through the air. Dropping to my knees, clinging to the mop, I heard this wailing cry rise up from deep inside my soul.

My daughter ran to get her father; finding me, he wanted to know what  was causing such distress.

I said, “That song you were playing was the song that played in my head all my life. It is connected to a picture. In the picture I am sitting out front of a beautiful green house with shutters and sidewalk with an embankment  where I a 7 year old sit with 5-6 teenage boys. One of the boys had a guitar and is playing that song.”

Bart threw the CD away so he could never play that album from the 60’s and 70’s again. The song left my brain at that point and I have no idea what it is.

The next time the picture came into focus was when my daughter was in the 6th grade and had a part in the high school play. She asked Permission to go to the cast party.

The next afternoon I tried to take a nap but that same guttural cry rose from my belly and I had no idea why! I called my husband and he came home and took me to the church to see the pastor.

The pastor took one look at me and offered to get a counselor.

I responded, “I will go through this with Jesus!”

The interesting thing that happened was a dark tunnel opened up in my brain to the right. I knew that if I looked down that tunnel I would find out what happened, but I feared that I wouldn’t be able to return, so I never looked.

Years later I was teaching a Bible study at church with some very God fearing women. We needed to move the class to a room that gave me the willies. Fear and dread filled me and I told these women about the picture and the tunnel. They prayed for me and the tunnel disappeared and the dread left with it. God is so Good.

The next time it came into view we were in a new church and I was going through some heart ministry/counseling. All the questions I couldn’t answer were tied to that picture so the Pastor set up and appointment with, “Set Free Ministries” in Grand Rapids.

It was a 6 hour meeting to learn about things and confess and renounce evil influences in my life. They exposed lies but one I didn’t believe was a lie. The time was up so they set up a second appointment which was unusual.

I had grown some. The first visit I needed someone to drive me, because fear controlled me so completely. But this second visit I drove myself.  I now understood the thing I disagreed about, as a lie. God did something in me.

At the second meeting they set up to do a prayer intervention. First she asked me to describe the picture, then just as I started she said,”We need to pray first.!” She prayed.

The picture left my eyes! I was a bit perturbed. Maybe even angry!

I could remember the picture so I started to tell her what it looked like.

She asked, “Who is at the door welcoming you inside?”

I don’t know.

What are you wearing?”

I try different things on in my mind and a “white dress feels right.”

Go inside and describe the room.

I am outside in a hall and go into a room with two doors and no windows and sit crisscross-applesauce on the floor in the middle of the room, something I haven’t thought of for 50 years.

What is behind the other door.

All I see are skeletons and sculls floating in the air. Later I realize people in robes and masks come from the door and circle around the room with me in the center.

What happens next. I am picked me up and put me on the altar.

I see a light.

She asks about the window. I said there was no window. The woman who is praying while we talk says ,”She said it was a room with no window.” So what is the light? ( Years later God shows me He was there with me)

This is as far as I could go. They said the door is open so God can guide you through the process.

As soon as I arrived home the devil told me a lie that none of that ever happened.  I started to believe it but then I realized they way I react to so many things come from this. The devil was lying to me! It all happened.

The next year I am helping my mom after her surgery and ask tell her about the picture. She says, Your father is a very tall person. He also wanted to try anything crazy just to do something different. So I had to wrestle with that for a few days to believe my dad could do that.

Sometime in the next year or so in church while I am Worshiping God fully, God drops a picture in my mind. My dad taking me from the altar and hanging me upside down on an upside down cross.

When I told my husband he said, “That explains everything!”

Sometime later I ask God, “What is the big deal with being hung upside down on a cross? I know it is a spiritual thing but is that it?”

God showed me a picture of two boys on top of me at once.

I said, “That is enough! I don’t need to see anymore!”

WHAT I DO KNOW IS JESUS KNOWS JUST THE RIGHT TIME AND THE MOST DELICATE WAY TO DO THE HEALING IF WE JUST SEEK HIM AND DO WHAT HE GIVE US TO DO!

Joy Comes in the Morning

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

Sometimes the morning  is at the end of a difficult season. The title “Joy comes in the morning,” means there is a night. Have you ever had one of those years?

My night started last summer when Grace was loosing weight. She was my cat! She was the one who would come and check on me every time I was outside working in the gardens and she greeted me every time I returned from running. We first thought she was loosing weight like every summer hunting critters in the yard. It turned out to be something different because her weight kept dropping and she refused to eat her food, even when we brought home cans of tasty food.

She breathed her last laying next to me on the couch November 14, 2021, at 11:30 P.M.

In the picture you see Sam laying next to Grace an hour before she left us.

I didn’t get the chance to mourn Grace leaving because Sam, our youngest animal was getting very sick and refused to run or walk.

Sam was getting sick  about the same time Grace started to loose weight. He had  an allergic reaction to both  fleas, the flea medicine, and his food.Who knew allergic reactions could make you sick.

We have always looked for a food he didn’t turn red after eating and found one but realized it had  lots of fillers.

He had no energy. We learned it was a yeast infection in his feet swelling his toes. This spread to his head and eventually to his ears. He was a mess when we first brought him to the veterinarian’s office. We had to sit in the vehicle because of COVID issues, and they came to get him. The Doctor came out to tell me all his problems which I couldn’t under stand because of the mask she wore. We came home with $550 bill and pills.

The pills worked until they were done and the infection came back. We go back to the vet and get more medicine and more money. I think the third  time I was able to go into the office and talk with the vet. She had the thought that we were not giving the medicine and was tempted to not let him go home with me. Fear gripped me as the vet said he had 2 resistant infections going on in his ears.

The forth or fifth time  they had us make a 2 week appointment to check and see that we were giving him his medicine. This brought some relief. Now we just need to keep him healthy.

I Hope and Believe his healing is going to stay healed because Bart found food on line that comes frozen and is suppose to be Good for dogs. He has been on this food for 6-8  weeks and Sam is looking BETTER then he has for years. We are praying his immune system kicks in and fights to keep him healthy without medicine!

Even with Sam going through this, I was starting to work in my flower garden early in the Spring. Hope was trying to rise!

But then we received the phone call. Dad died.  This became  on more strike to try and keep me down. The spring was spent driving to the West Coast twice.

After the funeral, Bart tried all Summer to get me out into my gardens, but I just couldn’t. Have you ever gotten stuck? Have you figured out how to get unstuck?

When it was time to pick raspberries(my favorite fruit of all) I felt physically barred from the raspberries. I had to fight through and invisible barrier that I didn’t understand at all. Picking raspberries brings me joy!

I did push past this thing that was holding me back after talking with my friend who encouraged me. Thankfully the call of the raspberries was stronger than the thing that kept me chained to the house.

HOPE IS RISING!

The vegetable and flower gardens  are waiting for me to join them.

Sam, is looking healthy for the first time in over a year, and he even started to gallop one evening we were running. It forced me to run just a bit faster! I have not seen that for years.

I believe the statement “It will be very difficult for me to work outside without Grace to come and see me.” did affect my ability to move. It is a learning curve to realize how much power the words we speak have power over our lives. It is shocking to see it really be acted out.

So Now I am telling myself it is easy to go outside so is it time to get outside and see what can be accomplished before snow falls. Hope is the thing I have always held onto! It helps me get up every morning and keep believing this next year will be better because I keep learning how to do better.

Do you know how to find HOPE? Ask Jesus!

Praise is the Answer to my Problem

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

A few weeks ago, I spent the night without the ability to swallow water. It lasted for at least 8 hours. Every time I try to swallow it is like I have to keep swallowing to keep it down, until it doesn’t.

I remember the first time this happened, Bart came to eat lunch with me at McDonald’s during a break from work. I took a bite of a french fry  and it didn’t enter my stomach. It was not a comfortable situation in a restaurant. My first thought was I am glad it stuck below my wind pipe so I could breath. Drinking water helped in the beginning.

My thoughts went to all the times I spent in the hospital with tubes down my throat. It has been a few years, but now that I turned 40 maybe, it was part of life.  After visiting my aunt, I have found that it is something to do with my family history. What really made it come to the forefront is hearing my younger brother and sister have the same problem.

Usually the difficulty is swallowing french fries or dry meat, but that night at dinner the chicken went down and it was the milk that stuck and it took 15 minutes to clear my esophagus so I could continue eating. Later about an hour before bed, I couldn’t swallow water! This is  something different.

Thoughts turn to a friend on Facebook who was not able to drink water for 3 days. I know how important water is to keep infection away, migraines, and for life to continue. I was doing my best to not panic.

After trying for hours to clear my throat, I finally went to bed and tried to sleep. I got about 4 hours sleep but the morning brought no relief.

Fear was trying to creep in.

I sent out text for prayer and I DECIDED to TRUST GOD AND PRAISE HIM because I KNOW worry  will only make it worse.

Learning to Trust God and Praise Him clearing away all my fear! Choosing Joy I put on a Micky Mouse shirt to help me smile! The swallowing returned in the next hour and I PRAISED GOD ALL THE MORE!

GOD IS SO VERY GOOD!

Knowing God

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

 I chose God over Satan when I was 8 years old and I was excited to get to KNOW HIM; in 5th grade I took communion for the first time and I was FILLED WITH JOY, but was immediately chastised for the joy I had.

“You are suppose to be serious not joyful!”

Life became much more difficult after that, I remember reading my Bible and finding this thing I was doing was  not good and God didn’t approve. I took note and tried to stop, (I needed Jesus to help, but I didn’t know I could ask). Around that time, I remember asking God if  it was ok to use His name in vain to blend in. He was silent.

The next God moment happened when I moved back to North Dakota for college and saw in others something I wanted and God was very Happy to accommodate this desire and He Filled me with His Joy and LOVE overflowing like I was dumped in a bucket of LOVE. My desire since then has been to tell everyone how wonderful God IS!

A few years later after being married and hearing things on the radio that helped me grow in God, the desire to Know Him as Enoch grew. I wanted to KNOW HIM and be taken up to be with God. It was probably around this point that I found Psalm 27:4 the one thing I ask from the LORD, that I may seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE TO BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD and to MEDITATE in HIS TEMPLE!”

This verse calls to my spirit and Fills me with Joy. It almost takes me to Heaven Filled up in Love!

Many years later I was in a class and we were talking about forgiveness . Writing a listing of who we needed to forgive, The teacher asked, “Why didn’t you put God down as someone who you need to forgive?”

I answered, “He is the only one who has never done me wrong!”

Around this time I had come to the place where I realized my mother and father treated me badly because they didn’t understand how sexual abuse changed me and changed my needs. They didn’t have it in them to give. So I needed to forgive them for what they could not give and this verse became real to me!

Psalm 27:10 “Father and Mother have forsaken me but The LORD will take me up.” God covers the broken parts and heals us as no one else!

Psalm 27: 1-4 Learning Trust

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

When I was eight years old my mom gave me my first Bible and taught me the 23rd Psalm. I carried it with me for years!

About 20 years later I split my intestines  and ended up with a blood infection, I found it lacking. Returning home after the hospital stay, I searched the Psalms for something that could do what I need in times of trouble and It was just a few chapters away.

The first thing that caught my attention was verse 27:4;

“the one thing I ask from the LORD, that I may seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE TO BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD and to MEDITATE in HIS TEMPLE!”

Little did I know it would carry me through my whole life!

When Bart’s job was in trouble the first three verses helped:

“The LORD is my light and my salvation, Whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?

When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies they stumbled and fell!

Though a host encamp against me My heart will not fear; though war arise against me IN SPITE OF THIS I SHALL BE CONFIDENT!”

These verses where enough for probably twenty more years! They carried me through until God decided to give me 5 new vertebrae in the middle of a CT Scan. I was meditating on these verses when all of a sudden the pain quit and I asked God, “what’s up?”

I walked out of the hospital with no pain.

I will continue the story of the 27th Psalm later this week.

God Bless You and try meditating on this Psalm or find one that helps you!

Forty Years IN Jesus

Published on by JustineLeave a comment

September 17, 2021, marks the 40th anniversary of my walking with Jesus.

It started when my family moved West to Oregon: even though I had completed one year of college I was not ready to live on my own, so I moved with them.It only took one summer for me to realize I could not live there with them so I took a train back to the University of North Dakota.

Isn’t it like God to make things feel so uncomfortable that we have to move to the next area God has planned. The fear of changing and living on my own was less scary than staying in a very uncomfortable place.

Once back at school I contacted Jill, the friend I had made my freshman year.  She was a Christian who lived across the hall going out to sing every week. I know now that God gave me the desire to ask, “Can I join your group?”

She took me to the first Folk Group meeting of the new school year. We did a Bible Study, “Out of the Salt Shaker,” then we were asked to write what we believed the goal of the group was.

Before breaking to go back to the dorm we prayed as a group popcorn prayer. I noticed they had something I didn’t have. As they prayed, I told God, “I want what they have.”

God filled me instantly with JOY and LOVE I had never known before and He gave me a desire to devour the Bible! I wanted to tell everyone what I have found!

What I wrote for a goal was how I wanted to tell everyone about this LOVE I was filled with; they thought it wasn’t the kind of goal they were asking for, but they counted it as becoming Born Again, a new believer in Jesus.

I grew up in church, was baptized, went to Sunday school, confirmation, and was confirmed. I had a Bible and tried to read it but couldn’t keep it going. The 23rd Psalm was something I knew because my mom helped me memorize when I was 8 years old. My Grandma read Bible to us every night when we lived with her, but at home Mom only prayed before meals and at bed time until we were of age, and she brought us to church.

What did Jill do that drew me in to see something more than just going to church?

Jill didn’t condemn me for my life style, but she walked in LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. She told me of a better way to live but didn’t push, just gave information. I am sure she prayed for me and she invited me to join her to do some fun things.

When I returned to school and I asked to join her, Jill took me to Folk Group and introduced me to IVCF. I found out I could have fun without drinking. People accepted me and LOVED me even when I wanted to run away because I didn’t know how to be accepted. They nurtured me and discipled me until my accident, (but that is another story)

God has been teaching me how to be a friend; apologize if I overstep my bounds, not judge lifestyle, walk alongside people, and build them up in Jesus. He has defiantly been teaching me how to Love and Forgive the unlovable and realize most people act the way they do out of hurt or pain.

God wants to use you to show His LOVE!

DO YOU KNOW HIS LOVE? IF NOT JUST ASK AND HE WILL FILL YOU AS HE FILLED ME!

GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS VERY GOOD! GOD IS SO VERY GOOD!